Kick me

October 5, 2006 at 11:32 pm (Uncategorized)

picbuzz.jpgHi, there. Nice to meet you. My name is Mark *painful handshake* LaFlamme. Ha! Sucker. You’ve just fallen victim to the whacky hand buzzer, perhaps the oldest gag on the planet. Little known fact: the hand buzzer was invented by crafty, fun-loving Neanderthals even before they got around to inventing the stick.

In my lifetime, I’ve probably gone through a dozen buzzers. The sheer volume of those is rivaled only by the number of whoopee cushions I’ve employed since childhood. My, my the fun you can have with a whoopee cushion. Even when the things don’t work just right, and all that’s issued is a soft fffffft sound, the very nature of the prank will crack up a room.

Cooler still is the trick lighter. It squirts water instead of flame, and here is something you can count on: if a smoker is bent over, expecting you to light his cigarette, a stream of water in his eye will make him scream. He will think he has been blasted with lighter fluid and he will fear for his vision. The sucker’s panic is your delight. Great times can be had with one of these babies.

Funnier still is the cigarette load. One day, I’ll run down the stats on how many people have died of sheer shockbuzz.jpg after a few puffs of a butt leads to a small explosion. I’ve been on the receiving end of that prank and my heart stopped. For the others, the comedy of a cigarette blast and the ensuing reaction of the smoker is unparalleled.

Joyous also is the muffler whistling device. It emits a high wheeeeee sound when the engine is started. Plug one of those things into the back of someone’s cherished car and it will drive him crazy. If he ends up taking his ride to an expensive mechanic, the gag is that much funnier.

Basic and yet delightful is the ketchup bottle that squirts a string of red yarn. The reaction of your target will consist of a defensive recoil and a girlish gasp as a stream of what looks like ketchup streams toward their favorite Izod shirt.

The bug-in-the-ice-cube gag is funny in a traditional way as is rubber vomit. The gum package that snaps the victims’ finger is hilarious, but it’s been replaced by lighters and pens that deliver and electrical shock. I’ve never seen sneezing powder work and no one ever falls for the black tongue candy.

I keep most of the above listed items in a bag next to my desk. I’m sure you sophisticated wits have advanced to much more scientifically involved hijinkery. Me, I’m a fan of the classics. I still think slapping a “kick me” sign on someone’s back is sheer hilarity. Not to mention, a can of mixed nuts with a snake like spring that pops out of it. Man, I could pee.

More can be found here.

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41 Comments

  1. jarheaddoc said,

  2. Linda said,

    Now that’s funny jd — I just logged into this site to post the exact same link. You got the news in first!

    Just as long as it’s not a joke from CNN ….

  3. K2 said,

    Too funny, I was just about to post the link here, jd.

    Let’s see, pot doesn’t cause cancer, it helps sick people, it’s nature’s Prozac, and now it may stave off Alzheimer’s, which runs strongly on both sides of my family. Why is it illegal again?!?

    Because it’s an instant high and it opens one’s persepective, something Puritans hate.

    If only the pot laws were a practical joke. . . .

  4. AO said,

    Wow, we’re really classing this place up. We now have a Lost Sole calendar AND a search button. I hope that doesn’t mean that the drinks in this place are going to cost more.

  5. Gil said,

    Does residual THC count or do I have to start smoking again? ‘Cause when I was younger I smoked so much the Zig Zag man had a tattoo of me on his arm.

  6. Mainetarr said,

    I see there have been a few knob jobs in here too. Nice….real nice. So, a calender, too? Is that for fat bastards Dan who does nothing but sit on his fat ass in front of his computer and lose track of the days?

    You know what’s a gross gag? Those shit cakes. Ever see one of them? It’s nasty. I got one for my 21st birthday and I couldn’t even eat any of it. I was literally gagging as I watched everyone eating it, telling me how good it was. Gak! That’s just gross. There was a fly on it (rubber one of course) and a couple of peanuts. I think that’s what really pushed me over the top.

    Another funny gag is to tape a fairly long piece of toilet paper to someone’s butt and watch them walk around the office like that. Hysterical…

  7. jarheaddoc said,

    The one downside to THC is that it has some teratogenic properties, so it not only screws up the present generation, but the progeny as well. That’s what the powers that be would like you to think.

    But let’s look at it like this: how many stoned people have I had to pull from a car wreck because they were too fucked up to drive? ZERO.

    Drunks? I would have to take off the shoes of the residents of the Lost Sole to use their toes to count.

    Why is it not legal? Because the fucking alcohol industry got there first and paid a lot of money to keep it that way. And anything with that much fun potential has to be either illegal, immoral, or fattening.

    And why can’t the fucking Puritans answer me this: has it really hurt Willy?

    And do you really think Ted Turner has a sense of humor, Linda? Well, fuck, he married someone named Jane, didn’t he?

    And, and, and it’s time I got to work! Have a good day! Where are my fucking pills?

  8. Linda said,

    The calendar is very smart looking, Mark. Maybe I’ll put this site on my list of Bloglines feeds —

    I don’t think anyone specifically mentioned the rubber dog feces. Always a winner! And my personal favorite would be the rubber bugs and spiders. I got my granddaughter a set of those for Christmas when she was three and my son thought I was insane — but she loves them.

  9. LaFlamme said,

    Hey, has anyone checked out A Vault yet over there —–> It better be working. I was fiddling with it at four in the frickin morning.

  10. Linda said,

    I’m at work and got the big red ACCESS DENIED !!

  11. LaFlamme said,

    What, in the vault??

  12. AO said,

    Oh, great! I thought those photos were long gone.

  13. LaFlamme said,

    Okay, the Vault is now The Evidence Room. For obvious reasons. I’d like to set it up so anyone can post photos.

  14. LaFlamme said,

    I couldn’t find the photo of AO and MT saving my ass from Park Street traffic in the spring. Anyone have it?

  15. AO said,

    MT must still have it. Ha, that was something. You really came close to getting smooshed.

  16. LaFlamme said,

    Oh, the irony. Got any pics to submit to the evidence room? I’m gonna fill that sucker up.

  17. AO said,

    I’ll have to look around when I get home.

  18. Linda said,

    Great idea. I’ve got nothing but still, it’s a great idea.

    My system administrator hasn’t noticed how perv***ed this site can get sometimes — it isn’t banned. But when I tried to click on the Vault, I did get a big Access Denied from my system. It’s the same ban that (supposedly) prevents me from doing my Christmas shopping and visiting internet p**n sites from work.

    To be fair, the real reason is that we need a safe firewalled virus- and cookie-free environment for all the confidential info on our network. (Right, Bill?)

  19. LaFlamme said,

    It’s probably because the vault links to Flickr. All things Flickr may be banned by your IT geeks.

  20. AO said,

    Friggen IT geeks.

  21. Mainetarr said,

    Ah man, the pictures are GREAT!!!! I can’t believe how little Milo is in that picture. I will take new ones and send them along! Good times, those parties were good times.

  22. K2 said,

    Hey, that phot page is frickin’ cool. We are a good looking bunch. Now where is that vomit bucket?

    Whenever I get sad, I’m going to head right for the picture of hte moneky sucking his own shlong.

    My friend from LA just called to tell me he saw the Roger Waters ‘Dark Side of the Moon’ tour last night at the Hollywood Bowl. Said it was in his top 3 shows ever, and a serious contender for #1.

    So I just checked his East coast dates: Tweeter Center, Sept. 8th.

    I do not recommend children if you want to be in the fun loop.

    Unless you already have them.

    But if you don’t. . . .

  23. LaFlamme said,

    If you go to the show, K2, get photos of topless woman grooving to “Brain Damage.” We’ll post them in the Evidence Room. That’s what it’s there for, really.

  24. AO said,

    MT, that WAS a GOOD party! It’s a good thing Treehugger brought that Allen’s. We NEVER would have seen Mark flipping his pinky if he hadn’t.

  25. AO said,

    Mark, LOVE the pool creature pic. I forgot that I took it. Flucking thing, turned my pool water green. We’re still waiting on DNA testing to figure out just what it is. Some say it’s a creature, others say its just a dog. Meanwhile, I’m waiting with bated breath.

  26. LaFlamme said,

    That pool creature shot was actually sent to me by a girl in Banff years ago. Up near Calgary.

  27. AO said,

    Yeah, I remember sending it to you when I lived there. 🙂

  28. LaFlamme said,

    Well, if you’re the girl from Banff, I guess we know each other better than I thought. Thanks for… everything.

  29. AO said,

    No prob.

  30. K2 said,

    No. The concert was Sept. 8th. It’s now Oct. 6th. Thus my point about children sucking you into a vortex of know-nothingness, regarding adult fun activities.

  31. LaFlamme said,

    Ah, yeah. My bad. I still think it’s August.

  32. jarheaddoc said,

    The animal was a fisher

  33. K2 said,

    To add to that, I have no channels on my TV, other than the local crap. My wife is literally sitting in front of the TV waiting for something to miraculously come on. Can’t even get the Yankee game. PBS really does suck for the most part.

    I need a ride in the Duff bimp or something.

  34. AO said,

    Hell, K2, what about Grey’s Anatomy? JAYSUS! One of the best shows on regular tv. WATCH IT!!

  35. K2 said,

    Ummmm . . . no thanks, AO. Just not into TV like that.

    However, do you know a good porn site? No? I guess it’s blacksinbecky.com, then.

  36. LaFlamme said,

    Yanks are down 3-0 if that helps. Or I could do this:
    Ivan Rodriquez looks at a called strike to load the count. Johnson goes into his windup. Checks the man on first. The pitch… fouled back, count remains full. Folks, if you haven’t already, tune in to Fox on Sundays for 90 minutes of animation domination with the Simpsons, American Dad and the Family Guy.
    Ivan swats it into the right field bleachers to stay alive. Lenny, was it 1978 when Billy Martin and Reggie Jackson had falling out before the cameras? I believe it was, Joe. That Martin was a lively character but what a contributor to the game of baseball. That’s a fact, Lenny. Rodriguez goes down on strikes, that’s Johnson’s second strikeout of the night.

  37. LaFlamme said,

    If you haven’t already, tune in Sunday? Hey, commentators can be drunk.

  38. Linda said,

    Hi everyone, what’s up?

    Jeez, I sound like a chat room.

  39. Linda said,

    Hey! GREAT pics! Looks like I missed some good parties.

  40. Linda said,

    Ha! just for the hell of it I did check Bloglines, it seems that somebody DOES subscribe to your blog. I only do that with blogs I might forget to check, or that only post once in a while. Not much point with yours, it’s a rare day that you don’t hit us with some new material. All that, and improving the blog for our entertainment too. Yours is a VERY rewarding blog, Mark.

  41. LaFlamme said,

    Blogines… not something I’m familiar with. I’ll check it out.

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