Your knee cap tastes like ants

October 18, 2006 at 11:53 pm (Uncategorized)

“Now and then, a pork chop eagerly shares a shower with the tuba player living with a customer. A plaintiff completely seeks a polar bear. A movie theater shares a shower with a chestnut. An eggplant gives a pink slip to the tuba player. For example, a single-handledly impromptu bullfrog indicates that a class action suit beyond another burglar somewhat avoids contact with an ocean.”

papaver-somiferum-opium-poppy-2002-reduced_web.jpgI don’t make this stuff up, people. This is real spam that landed in a real mailbox. And if you read it in just the right frame of mind, it makes perfect sense. Which leads me to believe that the people who compose spam are all opium smokers. And what stamina! This stuff just keeps coming and coming. Which leads me to belive that, if we all start speaking and writing in non-sequitars we might sell tons of Viagra and black market Vicodin and make a million bucks.

I’ll go first: the very first string bean the trapeze artist encountered on his trip to Belisle was the one with the yellowy eyes. And it sung to him like a can of beans on a gas pump.

Take your opium like good boys and girls. That line will make sense. Here’s to your favorite (or worst) drug experience.

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27 Comments

  1. "The Weasel" said,

    I smoked pot and got the crap kicked out of me by Portland PD. That’s my favorite drug experience. Sorry K2, I have none of my own. So, I stole one of yours

  2. Linda said,

    Here’s one from my morning mail: if almost seems as if it could make sense, but not quite.

    “John King, a co-author of the study at the British Atrack with the tank is obvlousIy the biggest of insuIating fOam that drops off during Iiftoff frOm wedge-shapedressurization lines in pIace. The first tank with the The average summer temperatures The colIapse of the Iarsen B ice shelf dId not gash in a wing in 2003, causing the spacecraft to disintegrate “

  3. K2 said,

    Weed had nothing to do with that one, Weasel. Just my big mouth and some rabid cops.

    I did freak out on acid once. Took two drops of liquid on a ski lift at Wildcat. I was hungover on almost no sleep, and then over-exerted myself in the moguls. Next thing I knew, ‘something was wrong.’ What was wrong? Oh, I don’t know. But it was something. So I had to bail on my friends and go to my friend’s van in the parking lot to get a grip. I writhed in the van in the fetal position for an hour or so, then somehow fell asleep for a few minutes, woke up in control of the reigns of the proverbial bucking bronco, and then went back out on the slopes and met my friends, who promptly made fun of me in the spirit of Weasel. From then on, it was always, ‘Dude, I have to go to the van.’

    Only ‘bad’ acid experience I really ever had, and it wasn’t for the whole trip, thank goodness.

    One of the few times I smoked opium was my senior year of high school at a party. I ended up eating a half a tube of kids’ bubblegum flavored toothpaste. Scrumptiously delicious.

    Basically, I’ve had far worse times with too much booze than anything else. But now I’m simply high on Jesus. . . .

  4. AO said,

    This is one I recieved this morning. Cudos to anyone who can make any kind of sense out of it. It’s like a little story:

    believe what you please was already set, the newcomer could with impunity sit down and proceed beside their own. Fred sent enough money to have a frame building put with the order of business; if there was no place set, but room for a
    commercial similar but the eyes vanished continent for a short time. Selecting a burning branch arctic
    trend to the language of Ahm, though much fuller, for
    She turned to Rance Belmont.place to be set, the hungry one came out to the kitchen and selectedup but the twins decided that logs were more romantic and cheaper. Itwhat implements he needed in the way of plate and knife and proceeded
    there were many words earn I for each cub of us we contribution advanced toward the cliffs,
    ban could not understand. However

    Will you drive me to Brandon tonight she asked.to the vacancy; if there was not a vacant place at the table, thewas a remarkable structure when they were through with it, stucknewcomer retired to the window and read the Northern Messenger or the
    I caught the gist of tortoise where we seize were met by angry threats. a spring wardrobe
    what he was saying–which in boil consume effect against their own house, as if by accident, and resembling in its

    She put on her coat and hat without a word or a look at the man, whoWar Cry, which were present in large numbers on the sewingmachine.irregularity the growth of a freak potato. Cables were freely used;But before leaving the table conversation zone, it was considered
    was mall that he had found and captured reserve of food ivory “They will chairperson kill us,
    stood as if rooted to the ground.perfectly legitimate to call out in a loud voice: Some eat fast, somebinder twine served as hinges on the doors and also as latches.eat long, and some eat both ways, or some such bright and felicitous
    watch out this stall Galu, that shenap said Lys. “We orthodontic may as well
    was his and cigarette gamble

    Then opening the door she went out quickly, and Rance Belmont, withremark. It was a bitter cold day in Novemberone of those dark, coldThey gave as a reason for sticking the new part against their owndays with a searching wind, just before the snow comes. In Mrs.
    that he defied anyone to question elderly his right keep on squat in resettle oneself search of another refuge.”
    of possession. container It appeared to me s kitchen there

  5. brenda said,

    wow.
    Years ago, I saw a paper that a fellow student in my college class was planning to turn in, that was written like that. I think she sat in class & wrote down words the prof used, the basic vocabulary, then entered the list of words into her computer & put them into random sentences with the Grammar check function. Either that or she was having a psychotic break.

  6. Linda said,

    From reference.com:

    In the mental health field, word salad (originally from the German Wortsalat) is used to describe the symptom of confused, and often repetitious, language that is symptomatic of various mental illnesses. …. In this context, it is considered to be a symptom of a formal thought disorder. In some cases word salad can be a sign of asymptomatic schizophrenia; e.g. the question “Why do people believe in God?” elicits a response like “Because he makes a twirl in life, my box is broken help me blue elephant. Isn’t lettuce brave? I like electrons, hello.”

  7. K2 said,

    What about ‘tossing salad’? People do it. *barf*

  8. Richie said,

    K2 Warning: This will be lengthy. Go tune-out and do something else for a while.

    – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
    For the rest of us:
    The gibberish emails you receive; usually under titles such as “Weighty Letter, You Should Read This” and so forth, are a method spammers use to by-pass spam blockers and other such software.

    Many email systems; I’ll use Groupwise as my example, have two function settings; one being for simple plain text, and one for HTML coding that allows for, amongst other things, foolishness such as ‘smileys’. Plain text must utilise the old-style ascii “smileys”. (You should avoid these like the plague, especially the sites that offer “free smileys” and crap like that. They usually have spyware cookies embeeded, and sometimes are hacked and loaded with computer virii.)

    Spam email used to be simple text messages and while pernicious and aggravating could be blocked by setting the blocker to search the email looking for certain keywords. Keyword searchers are also used by management monitoring employee emails; so when Mark gets an email advertising the latest fully-functional love doll, Mr. Costello knows about it right away.

    Spammers have gotten considerably more high tech. In some cases they are part of a nations effort (Iran; China, amongst others) to attack us and degrade our information transfer capaility. Notice that the return addresses appear to have a valid domain; many times they ARE valid domains, but the user name is merely miscellaneous letters/numbers. Responding to that name/address almost invariably fails since it is completely false.

    With improvements in technology, the spam message is now a graphic file, a .JPG file or some such, embedded right into the body of an HTML message. The Underlying “messages” examples of which are previously cited, are mere camouflage which helps defeat a spam blocker looking solely for text, or a simple embedded graphic.. When you receive the email in “Simple Text” format, all you see is the gibberish message. You scratch your head and wonder what the hell that was about, and send it to the trash. View it in HTML format, though, and there’s your message, selling you on the latest herbal weight-loss thing, or something to make your penis bigger, or cheap oxycodone, or other crap like that.

    So, while some of the supposed messages might appear funny, or might appear to almost make sense, it is only that way by accident. It’s nothing but a computer program inserting blocks of text so as to defeat a blocker program. The lines might be excerpts from almost anything that can be found on the internet, or merely random words inserted as filler.

    Another aspect of this sort of spam is that there are occasionally embedded virii and other things that can hurt your computer. Some of this spam also is programmed to report back to the sender if the email is opened; this serving to verify that your email address is a valid one. Guess what ? Yup. More spam a’headin’ your way !

    My best recommendation: get an email from someone, or with a topic, you don’t recognise ? Ditch it straight to your anti-spam folder. Don’t open it; there’s nothing in there you really want to see. No, your penis or breasts aren’t going to get bigger. No, the cheap drugs aren’t really worth it. No, you didn’t really win the irish lottery or some such foolishness. Different mail programs have different anti-spam functions so I can’t begin to help you there. Another thing, do support anti-spammer legislation ! Death and dismemberment is not too harsh for some of these people !! Head on a spike on the City Gate works fine for me !!

    Hope this helps.
    – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

    OK; K2, you can come back and be foolish again.

  9. Linda said,

    I didn’t win the Irish lottery? Rats!

  10. K2 said,

    “Hey, I’m John and I play a guitar. Sometimes I play the fool.”

  11. LaFlamme said,

    What I don’t get is the fact that some, if not most of this spam, advertises nothing at all. It’s just a long, senseless diatribe, not wholly unlike Street Talk.

  12. jarheaddoc said,

    “Did you take the train or bring your lunch?

  13. LaFlamme said,

    Is it faster to New York or by bus?

  14. LaFlamme said,

    What’s the difference between an orange?

  15. oopsy said,

    The old line about “the price of oranges in China” comes to mind here. But, well, I gotta see a man about a horse. I prefer phrases that make shivery sense ..

    “sliding down the razor blade of life.” (Wasnt that part of an old Tom Lehrer song?)

  16. LaFlamme said,

    Frasier Crane: “I’ve got to go to the little boy’s room.”
    Lilith Crane: “Why does a grown man feel the need to euphamize?”
    Woody: “Well, he did drink that beer pretty fast, Mrs. Crane…”

  17. LaFlamme said,

    Woody: “I’m not bitter, Sam. I just consumed by a gnawning sense of hate so that I can taste the bile at the back of my throat. Either that or I’m coming down with something. Does anyone have a Tic Tac?”

  18. K2 said,

    “Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly . . .”

  19. LaFlamme said,

    Classic woodhead.
    I’m still getting caught up on the Alpha Omega debate.

  20. Richie said,

    The spam or advertising isn’t in the gibberish words. Thats merely to fool lower-end spam blocking software. The actual advert is probably in HTML format embedded graphic.

    Next time you’re over here, Mark, I’ll show you an example of how it works.

  21. Richie said,

    Hey, Weasel dude !! I like that piccy !! Is that you, hard at work, making ’em ” … respect your authoritah …” ?

    Did you see K2’s piccy in the paper last week ? He don’t look nuthin’ like this one at all !!

  22. Linda said,

    Better make K2 give the secret code word if you are not sure it’s him.

  23. K2 said,

    Oh, it was me, all right. Damn, I’m a good looking woman.

  24. AO said,

    Liz, right?

  25. Linda said,

    I can vouch for the picture being K2 — I was there when it was snapped!

  26. Bobbie said,

    There are 268 of “me” in the US. Some of them actually live within a 3 hour drive of me. The really freaky thing is that at one point in time, we had the same insurance company.

  27. Bobbie said,

    With my maiden name, there are only 12 of “me” in the US.

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