Ha! No, I kid. Surely there are plenty of things to do if you’re avoiding the stores today. Unfortunately, none of them involve actually leaving your home. Go outside, and you’re bound to get mowed over in one form or another. You’ll be run down by a speeding minivan driven by a woman who looks like a crankhead on cappucino with her finger in a light socket. You’ll be trampled by a large woman with bouncing breasts and serated elbows as she hoofs her way to the mall. You’ll be run over by the train you voluntarily hurled yourself in front of because that traffic jam was lasting longer than childbirth.
Where holiday season shopping is concerned, the stereotypes are dead on. If I have to go to a department store or mall, I secretly wish the place was occupied by the flesh-eating zombies from Dawn of the Dead rather than the hip-checking, aisle-cramming, desperation-smelling hordes of professional looters.
I shan’t go on and on about it, because love and loathing of the post-Thanksgiving crunch has been expressed in every way. I just wanted to list these helpful alternatives for those of you trying to stay out of the sweaty orgy of merchandise and shopping carts. There has got to be more to do than to sit back and wait for arousing details of the first cat fight between soccer moms at JC Penney. And there is: