Santa Claws

December 6, 2006 at 1:42 am (Uncategorized)

scream.jpgChildren are smart. They know that a person who slithers down your chimney late, late at night is a the kind of person who will also touch you longingly while you sleep. They know that men with sprawling beards and thick mustaches likely have dark, dangerous secrets they want desperately to keep. And they know — intuitively, mind you — that they should run screaming from any old man who heartily implores them to come sit on his lap.

The children are right. Santa is one creepy dude who should not be trusted. Yet, year after year, we shove our children toward whomever has donned the red suit that year at the local mall. We push them forward even if they squirm and scream that they don’t want any part of the booze reeking dude with suspicious stains across the store bought beard. We do this because we want a photo, dammit, so that we can prove to our in-laws that we are good parents who indulge the kiddies in traditional holiday celebration.

The real Santa Claus may be a genuinely jolly fellow in spite of his cat burglar ways. But I don’t trust the mall replicas one bit and neither do many of these children with keen senses of instinct. But bah! Don’t take my word for it. Here is a collection of photos featuring homidical looking Santa Claus wannabes and the screeching children who hate them.

Merry Christmas to all. Just don’t go to sleep.



  1. Linda said,

    OMG those pictures are so funny — and every family has ’em. Yes, it’s VERY creepy to make a child sit on a strange bearded man’s lap. How to let them embrace the magic of Christmas without lying or making yourself sick over the commercial excess?

    Sorry to say I’m a grinch. (No not THE grinch, the missing inflatable one …) This year my gifts are coming from Heifer international.

  2. newsflasher said,

    COLUMBIA, South Carolina (AP) — A fed-up mother had her 12-year-old son arrested for allegedly rummaging through his great-grandmother’s things and playing with his Christmas present early.

    The mother called police Sunday after learning her son had disobeyed orders and repeatedly taken a Game Boy from its hiding place at his great-grandmother’s house next door and played it.

    He was arrested on petty larceny charges, taken to the police station in handcuffs and held until his mother picked him up after church.

    article on

  3. newsflasher said,

    PORTLAND, Maine (AP) — A beer distributor says Maine is being a Scrooge by barring it from selling a beer with a label depicting Santa Claus enjoying a pint of brew.

    In a complaint filed in federal court, Shelton Brothers accuses the Maine Bureau of Liquor Enforcement of censorship for denying applications for labels for Santa’s Butt Winter Porter and two other beers it wants to sell in Maine.

    The dispute recalls a similar squabble last year when Connecticut told Shelton Brothers it had problems with its Seriously Bad Elf ale. (Watch why a civil liberties group is fighting to protect Santa’s Butt Video) – [go to offbeat news]

    “Last year it was elves. This year it’s Santa. Maybe next year it’ll be reindeer,” said Daniel Shelton, owner of the company in Belchertown, Massachusetts.

    The lawsuit, filed Thursday, contends the state’s action violates the First Amendment by censoring artistic expression.

    But the state says it’s within its rights. The label with Santa might appeal to children, said Maine State Police Lt. Patrick Fleming. The other two labels are considered inappropriate because they show bare-breasted women.

    “We stand by our decision and at some point it’ll go through the court system and somebody will make the decision on whether we are right or wrong,” he said.

    The lawsuit was brought by the Maine Civil Liberties Union, which says the beer labels are entitled to First Amendment protection.

    “There is no good reason for the state to censor art, even art found on a beer label,” said Zachary Heiden, staff attorney for the MCLU.

    The label for the English-made Santa’s Butt Winter Porter features a rear view of a beer-drinking Santa Claus sitting atop a barrel. The beer’s name refers not only to Santa’s ample backside, but also to the barrel. In England, brewers once used a large barrel called a “butt” to store beer.

    there is a picture & video at offbeat news

  4. bingo said,

    EASTON, Pennsylvania (AP) — A man who pleaded guilty to molesting two girls told a judge he did it because of his wife’s excessive bingo playing.

    “My wife was never home,” Floyd Kinney Jr. said during his plea hearing Friday.

  5. Naked Santa said,

  6. Secret Santa said,

    Something for K2 and Fred to get excited about !

  7. Arby said,

    OK, so regarding post #3, should we award the grand prize in ludicrousness to the mother for sending him off to jail or the friendly neighborhood policemen for dragging him off in handcuffs.

    Yeah, the kid did wrong but didn’t the mature adults overreact a bit? Or is this just a case of “an eye for an eye” or something like that?

  8. Linda said,

    Do you mean #2?

  9. Arby said,

    Yes. Sorry, I meant #2. Not so nimble fingers, I guess. Duh.

  10. Linda said,

    No problem. I started reading #3 and had a fright that Santa or the elves were being dragged off in handcuffs. Not good. Unless they want to, of course.

  11. Treehugger said,

  12. Yahshua (ישוע) said,

    Santa overshadows the true meaning of Christmas. Mr. Treehugger, sex is NOT in the spirit of the holiday. We all need to THINK, and LOVE one another. We are in tough times in our city, country and world. People don’t take time to interact with each other anymore. If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun of it. Let me be the first to say, I LOVE ALL OF YOU, ALL OF YOU!

  13. LaFlamme said,


  14. LaFlamme said,

    I have a crying Christmas photo somewhere. I’d find it and post it, but I don’t want you all to see what a fat baby I was. Seriously, I was a load.

  15. AO said,

    Give it up, Baby Huey.

  16. LaFlamme said,

    If I can find the sucker, I’ll post it. You know me… if I posted the Blossom pic, I’ll post anything.

  17. The Producer said,

    Jesus Arrives in Big City USA
    A one-minute Passion Play
    Curtain Opens

    At the Border Crossing: Two TSA guys deal with a person trying to enter the Country.

    Guard 1(G1): (aside to other guard) pssst ! Hey, check this dude out !
    Guard2 (G2): Damn ! Barefoot, wearing a robe or something, and carrying a big stick.
    Lookit that beard ! Ya think, mebbe, its . . . Osama Bama Lama?
    G1: I dunno. Hold on. Damn, though, he smells like goats.

    G1: (to stranger) Howdy, Mr., ya got some ID there ?
    Jesus (J): No, sorry, I don’t. Don’t you know who I am ?
    G1: Uh oh, possible crazy too. OK, whats your name ?
    J: I ’m Jesus !
    G1: Hay-soos ?
    J.: No, Gee-sus !
    G1: Okaaay. Last name ?
    J: Christ
    G2: OK. Lemme check. Hay-soos Chraist – nope, no wants or warrants.
    G1: Got any items to declare or baggae to bring in ?
    J: No, no I don’t.
    G1: Whats your reason for entering the U.S.
    J: Well, I AM the Saviour of the World aren’t I ?
    G2: No ID, nothing to declare, mexican name; whats with you illegals ?
    Why can’t you just swim the river like the others !
    J: No, I’m not an illegal.
    G1: Keep it down, there, Hay-soos !
    J: Stop calling me that ! My name is Gee-sus; J-E-S-U-S !
    G2: Yah. Hay-soos. Shut up and get outta here. You can’t come in.
    J: What ! You can’t do that ! I know my rights ! You have to let me in !
    G1: What’d I tell you about yelling, eh ? One more and you’ll be arrested.
    J: You can’t tell me to shut up ! Don’t you know who I am ? Bow down before me
    and worship me !
    G1: Lookout ! Heys got a weapon ! He’s attacking with that stick !
    G2: OK. You been warned, bubba ! (pulling Tazer)
    J: Don’t point that at me ! I demand to see my lawyer ! I demand . . .
    G2: Shoots tazer, drops Jesus where he stands.
    G1: Ah yes; educatin begins when the resistance ends !

    Wack ! Biff ! Baff ! Punch ! Smack ! Ow ! Ooof !!
    Lots of noise

    Curtain Closes

  18. Santa said,

  19. Linda said,

    Mark I hope you’re looking for that Santa photo!

  20. Treehugger said,

    Flammer, sorry your still a load.
    You know, its a guy thing.

  21. AO said,

    See? I heard differently. I heard he HAD a load.

  22. LaFlamme said,

    No load having here. And astonishingly, I only gained five pounds since that baby photo was taken!

  23. Linda said,

    I read it in a dark spot; i thought he wrote “I was a toad.”

  24. LaFlamme said,

    We want to hear more about this “dark spot.”

  25. Linda said,

    Trust me you don’t. Not a good day in the marketplace for me.

  26. Herb said,

    I think you mean he pinched a load.

  27. Mainetarr said,

    That’s LOAF, Herb, you idiot.

    Well, the Maineicas lost tonight. I’ll take that free eer now so I can go cry in it.

  28. LaFlamme said,

    Unfortunately, the free beer isn’t until tomorrow.

  29. Mainetarr said,

    Bastards. Hey, why isn’t AO answering me? Have I finally figured out what her initials stand for?

  30. Mainetarr said,

    Annie Oakley???

  31. LaFlamme said,

    Yeah! Annie Oakley???

  32. Mainetarr said,

    wow, I AM really sick. Look at my typing, it’s the Nyquil talking folks…..

  33. Linda said,

    I believe AO may be temporarily internet-impaired.

  34. Mainetarr said,

    I saw a show on Annie Oakely on A&E and I immediately thought of AO. She’s a sharpshooter and all, too….that’s gotta be it.

  35. Linda said,

    She’ll probablhy never tell.

  36. Mainetarr said,

    Hey Linda, what’s going on with you this evening?

  37. Mainetarr said,

    I bet you know.

  38. Linda said,

    Je ne sais pas. to both 36 and 37 actually

  39. Linda said,

    Just sitting here in the usual coma

  40. Mainetarr said,

    LOL. I see they indicted John Ferland, that guy who was driving the motorcycle that Irene Douglas fell off of and died later on.

  41. Mainetarr said,

    Wow, holy terrible English. I gotta go to bed. My brain is toast. TTYL Linda and Mark. Need sleep……sle…eeeeeppppp.

  42. Linda said,

    Holy terminal prepositions, Batman, I’m leaving too!

  43. brenda said,

    yeah, you always leave when I get here, do I have halitosis or something?

    oh, yeah, I do, I know,
    sorry. I’ll try not to breathe.

    anyway, AO denied being Annie Oakley a year ago at the Street Talk blog. Don’t you remember that? Loooong lists of guesses.
    that was the good ol’ days / nights of blogging, before herb died.
    before dan lost it. before……before…..before…

  44. back in the days said,

    the days of naked santa!

  45. scare7y santa news around the world said,

    Wed Dec 6, 1:49 AM ET

    GRESTEN, Austria (Reuters) – As Christmas nears, Austrian children hoping for gifts from Santa Claus will also be watching warily for “Krampus”, his horned and hairy sidekick.

    In folklore, Krampus was a devil-like figure who drove away evil spirits during the Christian holiday season.

    Traditionally, he appeared alongside Santa around December 6, the feast of St. Nicholas, and the two are still part of festivities in many parts of central Europe.

    But these traditions came under the spotlight in Austria this year, after reports last week that Santa — also known as St Nicholas, Father Christmas or Kris Kringle — had been banned from visiting kindergartens in Vienna because he scared some children.

    Officials denied the reports, but said from now on only adults the children knew would be able to don Santa’s bushy white beard and red habit to visit the schools.

    Now, a prominent Austrian child psychiatrist is arguing for a ban on Krampus, who still roams towns and villages in early December.

    Boisterous young men wearing deer horns, masks with battery-powered red eyes, huge fangs, bushy coats of sheep’s fur, and brandishing birchwood rods storm down the streets, confronting spectators gathered to watch the mediaeval spectacle, which is also staged in parts of nearby Hungary, Croatia and Germany’s Bavaria state.

    Anyone who doesn’t dodge or run away fast enough might get swatted — although not hard — with the rod.

    “The Krampus image is connected with aggression, and in a world that is anyway full of aggression, we shouldn’t add figures standing for violence… and hell,” child psychiatrist Max Friedrich said.


    Friedrich, who says Krampus is scary because people can’t communicate with a mask, doesn’t get much of a hearing in the traditionalist towns of Lower Austria and the Salzburg and Tyrol regions that hold the most elaborate Krampus processions.

    In Gresten, 3,000 people, including many children, packed the kerbs of Dorfstrasse one recent night to await his coming.

    The horned figure suddenly burst out of a dark corner, shouting menacingly at onlookers and waving his birchwood whip.

    As he knocked over a metal crowd barrier and waded into the spectators, a boy who identified himself as Simon flinched.

    “Don’t worry,” a nearby adult assured Simon. “Krampus won’t do anything to you. He’s not allowed to.”

    Johann Leichtfried, a young Krampus actor in Gresten, defended his role and said most children were fascinated by Krampus’s symbolism. “Krampus is for the kids.”

    But not everyone agrees.

    Listeners of Austrian youth radio station FM4 shared the horror they felt when first confronted the figure.

    “Krampus scared … me when I was seven,” said one, identified as Riem on FM4’s Web site. “I panicked that I was never going to see my father again because a hoofed human wanted to throw me in his wooden backpack.”

    But Friedrich conceded there had been few known cases of “Krampus trauma”.

    He said Krampus remained a popular custom probably because “there’s a phenomenon of finding fear attractive”, pointing for example to the frequently frightening, sometimes gruesome, plot twists in the classic fairy-tales of the Grimm brothers.

    Sometimes, Krampus can get carried away — in some towns in the Tyrol and Salzburg areas, some of the horned devils have lost control after downing a few too many beers or schnapps.

    “In Tyrolean communities … the Krampus actors have to wear a number so everyone can know who the bad guy is behind the mask, just in case,” said Friedrich.

  46. AO said,

    Nope. Not Annie Oakley, MT. Sorry!

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