Elfin beat down

December 10, 2006 at 11:19 am (Uncategorized)

elfcutout.jpgI don’t recall the last time I woke up on a Sunday morning to put on tights and makeup. Must have been back during the hard drinking days when I stayed occasionally at a place deemed Little Harlem. But I’ve said too much already.

There’s something to be said about participatory journalism if you’re being sent to a war torn country or going undercover in the nebulous nighclub scene at Greenwich Village. Playing a sexually confused elf at the mall? Well… we’ll see.

Flamboyant elf beaten at mall

AUBURN — A newspaper reporter was pummelled by a group of elderly women and small children on Sunday after his debut as Santa’s Little Helper. Journalist and elfin Mark LaFlamme was attacked as he browsed the aroma therapy line at Bed, Bath & Beyond, police said.

“My pointy shoes!” LaFlamme was heard screaming, as he stumbled bleeding and dripping makeup outside the mall. “They took my pointy shoes! You bastards!”

No arrests were made. The investigation was stalled as police doubled over giggling for an hour and then spent another arguing over who had to process the battered elf.

Outside the mall, a group of blue-haired women were seen high-fiving with several boys and girls aged 5 to 10-years-old.

“Who’s our bitch!” one 95-year-old lady trumpeted, one bloody elf tassle clinging to her bloody fist. “That’s what I’M talking about!”

Asked if she was at all troubled by the fact that she had beaten up Santa’s closest aid, the woman croaked: “That was an elf? I thought it was just a cross-dressing preevert.”

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28 Comments

  1. Linda said,

    Santa’s Little Helper, eh? That must be the seasonal equivalent of Mother’s Little Helper I suppose.

    http://www.seattleweekly.com/news/0151/features-jlightner.php

    Damn, that makes me miss the good old days (the week before last, I mean). I’m not used to having to mention this kind of thing myself. But somebody has to.

    Mark, I hope you get a chance to rewrite that article with a less traumatic outcome. Nice to see you are recycling those striped tights BTW — you’re following H.D. Thoreau’s advice: “Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.”

  2. Linda said,

    Though I’d prefer to think you didn’t have ALL that gear in your wardrobe already.

  3. AO said,

    I went and saw him. He looked….SNIFF….beautiful! I wanted to knock him down and steal those pointy ass shoes.

  4. Linda said,

    AO, I’m sure he’d give them to you if you asked.

  5. Walter said,

    Journalist? Kinda loose with the vocabularly, eh?

  6. AO said,

    Well, what fun would that be, Linda? 🙂

  7. Linda said,

    Good point AO, a little rough stuff, you’d probably both enjoy it.

  8. AO said,

    No comment.

  9. "The Weasel" said,

    Very gay….. Yes, very gay.

  10. AO said,

    Could he be any more gay?

  11. Linda said,

    Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

  12. AO said,

    Nope, nothing at all. But, for The Flammer…it’s apt.

  13. Treehugger said,

    Yea, a straight guy couldn’t get it right!

  14. Bobbie said,

    Some of the things you do for attention Mark are very interesting. Weird, but interesting.

  15. Nadine said,

    Hmmmm….sorta looks like a Christmas Raggedy Andy — been hangin’ out with Frosty lately????

  16. LaFlamme said,

    Attention? Attention?? You think I dressed up as a Keebler elf of my own free will? Ohhhh, no. The B section people brow beated me until I consented. It’s a little intimidating stepping up to Santa land in the middle of the mall dressed like that. People… did things to me.

  17. Nadine said,

    You know you loved every moment of it…admit it!

  18. LaFlamme said,

    It had it’s moments.

  19. Nadine said,

    Mark, Stop talkin to me and work on your project…slacker! Ha!

    No-one’s here anyway. I’ll just go add shit to MySpace and leave ya alone for now. Guess I’m a slacker too though, as I COULD be working on the project I started for Linda…maybe later, heh.

    Ho-hum, I need to make friends in different time zones where it is daytime now, lol! Sleepless nights are boring and frustrating!

    Linda, your Aussie family maybe?? 🙂

    Or I could search for someone in Iraq — yeah, right…

    So, how bout them Pats?? Nevermind, I don’t wanna talk about it — too many curse words involved.

    K2 — the Vikings??? Ya gotta have something to say about THEM!!! Come on, forgive and forget already. Maybe this’ll get ya going: have you see the commercial with the man dressed as a woman who is approached by a guy (almost same age), who says “hey ma, got a minute?” and the “mom” avoids him while eating Combos, then a voice-over comes on and says “Combos, what your mom would feed you if she were your dad” — kinda offensive and sexist, no?

    Beuller???

  20. Linda said,

    Nadine I saw one of those commercials. The son’s really depressed and telling mom about his insecurities and pain, and then the mom says, how do you think they got the cheese inside these pretzels?

    Which is something we all wonder, I’m sure

    Mark, who exactly are these b section bully boys that brow beat you into this latest stunt? do they provide counseling to help you through the traumas they inflict on you? Oh wait, maybe that’s our job. Hee hee! Good luck to you!

  21. Bobbie said,

    Mark won’t admit that dressing up that way was his idea alone and that nobody brow beat him into doing it. He’s just out for the sympathy vote today. And you know that’s said with all the love in the world, Mark.

  22. Mainetarr said,

    So I was surfing through some porn sights and found this exact picture, minus the elf suit and tights. Yup, old Flamer in nothing but a hat and pointy shoes.

  23. Mainetarr said,

    But seriously, that is a pretty cute outfit Mark. Did the Shopping Bags help you find your shoes?

  24. Linda said,

    MT! nice naked elves. Not sure i would call youtube a porn site though.

  25. Bobbie said,

    It just depends on your defintion of porn, Linda.

  26. Mainetarr said,

    I was kidding about the porn sites.

  27. Dermacia said,

    This post, however off-topic it may be, is about Internet freedom. \”Network Neutrality\” — the First Amendment of the Internet — ensures that the public can view the smallest blog just as easily as the largest corporate Web site by preventing Internet companies like AT&T from rigging the playing field for only the highest-paying sites.

    But Internet providers like AT&T, Verizon and Comcast are spending millions of dollars lobbying Congress to gut Net Neutrality. If Congress doesn\’t take action now to implement meaningful Net Neutrality provisions, the future of the Internet is at risk.

    In the end game, only large companies will afford domains if the communications monopolies have their way with this. This of course isnt new news, but its coming to a head and blogs like this one will be a ghosttown unless all of us figure it our pretty darn quick. I wont post any links, but advise that if you value the internet, and blogs likw this one, that you search Google for \”Network Neutrality\” and educate yourself on this issue as it effects all of us.

  28. Zahn said,

    Can I have your phone number?

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