Finger licking good

December 17, 2006 at 3:52 am (Uncategorized)

salad-dressing.gifYou always wonder, don’t you. Every time the pimply kid behind the fast food counter gives you attitude, it occurs to that he could have done any number of things to that sandwich you’re about to stick in your mouth. You’re starving so you tell yourself it probably didn’t happen. No way the pouty punk picked his nose and then rubbed it on your fish filet. No way that crabby chick would actually pluck a pubic hair and grind it into your spaghetti. Surely, the acne riddled teenager with the squeaky voice isn’t vile enough to have rubbed that delicious chicken sandwich on unbathed portions of his body. It just doesn’t happen.

Fool. Chances are good that you have already ingested something nasty placed in your food by some snotty punk who did it just because he could. And because he didn’t like your face. He resented you because you’re an adult, driving a nice car and ordering him around just like that bitch at home. And it gives him an enormous sense of empowerment to reach down into his pants and pull something squishy and warm and gush it deep inside the enchillda you’ve been craving all day.

But don’t take my word for it. There are documented cases of restaurant food being intentionally contaminated by nasties including, but not limited to, urine, feces, congealed mucus, pus, spit, ear wax, blood and, yes… the most intimate bodily substance a young man has to offer.

WHEATON, Ill. — Parents in Wheaton, Ill., are being told a high school student played a nasty prank by contaminating the cafeteria salad dressing with semen.

School officials said this week they weren’t sure if anyone had eaten the ranch dressing or had become ill and noted that the container from the lunchroom was routinely washed after lunch every other day.
The Napierville Sun said Saturday that the offending senior ejaculated into the bottle last week and then returned it to the condiments table. He then bragged about it to presumably flabbergasted classmates.

Read the nice letters school officials wrote to the students here. And go get yourself a nice double cheesburger with all the extra sauces. You deserve a break today.

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37 Comments

  1. LaFlamme said,

    What? Where is everybody? Don’t make me come over there and scrape scalp dandruff on your corn flakes.

  2. Bobbie said,

    I’m listening to a Lord of the Rings movie right now, for what seems like the millionth time. I’m tempted to go see how the football game is going, but I know when I do that (and keep the volume low out of consideration for my husband’s self-induced hearing loss),t he volume mysteriously goes up on the other tv and it is no longer worth it to watch the game. TNT is running all of the movies back to back today, which means I turn to my computer for music solace today.

    And if you worried about what people on the other side of the counter did with your food when you weren’t looking, you’d never eat out again. Then again, I’ve seen broken glass left in doughnut dough, someone who was going to quit the next day spit in the doughnut dough one night and happily went about making doughnuts the rest of the night and my personal favorite-people having a cream fight in the back and anything that didn’t touch the floor went back into the bucket for use later that day. And yes, that included the cream filling that hit the rusty screen door. I’ll save the fast food horror stories for later.

  3. Linda said,

    Mark, are you missing us?

    That was some disgusting story. I’ve never been crazy about ranch dressing but now it’s REALLY off my list. Once in a McDonalds I saw a girl open a bag of chopped nuts (for sundaes) with her teeth. That was gag-making enough for me.

    BTW Mark, WHO KNEW you were such a monkey man? I loved that climbing story in the b section.

  4. James said,

    Dead crows in Lewiston, and our resident evilmonger isn’t on the case. Just one observation, the location is downwind from Albert Avenue.

  5. AO said,

    Did the crows eat any ranch dressing?

  6. James said,

    We need a good investigative reporter to find out. Know of any?

  7. Linda said,

    James are you sure they are crows and not fishers?

  8. Treehugger said,

    HEy Flammer, I’m missing a telescope!
    Have any idea where it went?

    Any pics of Flamette in the SITZ harness????

  9. Gail Tarr said,

    hey everybody, I got some news for yah. At the Maineiacs game last night, our very own Robert hit a puck into the goal (perfect shot, by the way) and won a cool $1000 in cash. The screaming fan with the cow bell and air horn was me, Robert!!! Nice shot, way to go!! I bet he’s out finishing his Christmas shopping, lucky bastard!

  10. Gail Tarr said,

    http://www.uglypeople.com

    For a good laugh. I think the Fat Bastard is on there.

  11. Linda said,

    Hey — what became of Mainetarr? is this a rebirth of some sort?

    and congratulations Robert!

  12. Mainetarr said,

    Not sure what happened…LOL. It’s still me, I am not sure why my real name came up like that. I think it was because I was writing for Mark’s other blog. How are you doing Linda?

  13. Milo and Beiley's mom said,

    This would work too…

  14. Milo and Bailey's mom said,

    Oooops, that should be Bailey

  15. Linda said,

    Oh — y’know. Too much to do. It ought to be fun but it somehow manages to be just .. too much to do. I’m the wrong age for Christmas. No little kids here and I’m not old enough yet to boss everyone else around. Well I DO boss everyone around but they don’t necessarily to my bidding.

  16. Linda said,

    Do my bidding. Obviously.

  17. Linda said,

    Jeez, we are a pair. Type much, Gail and Linda???

  18. Gail Tarr said,

    No kidding, you can tell I have been away from the computer for a while. LOL Well, I am off to put away laundry and go to bed. Have a good night, Linda.

  19. Gil said,

    Just thought I’d pop in for a pint and say hello. After exploiting the masses, a short Florida vacation was called for. And enjoyed. But now back to the grind.
    By the way, if you ever get the chance, throw on a wetsuit and swim with the manatees down there. That’s the balls.
    As to food horror stories, I find that what you don’t know won’t hurt you, and some things go better unanswered

  20. LaFlamme said,

    I’m with you, Gil. If it tastes good, I eat it. Ignorance is swell.
    Florida? Lucky bastid.

  21. Nadine said,

    Gil, agreed about the food worries. Hell, shit has already been scraped off the floor BEFORE being sent to the damned restaurant in the first place!

    Now, with E.Coli in freakin’ veggies, we can go no lower!

    BTW, E.Coli comes from animal “products” (even fertilizer) right? So, I wonder what all the vegetarians out there are thinking now. I mean, the cow shit prolly comes from those that are gonna be slaughtered anyway, no? Meat is now in veggies!! What a thought!

    Guess organic with meat-free compost is their only choice left. Hope they’re ready to shell out the bucks to stay “clean”!!

    Ok, so this comes from a mom unafraid to lick a wound, (literally), and clean a dirty face with a saliva-wet finger while adhering to the “10 second” rule as well. The hell with germs, they are EVERYWHERE! Might as well build immunities early!

    K2…do you consider me a bad parent now? If so, well fuck ya!

    To anyone else who thinks I AM bad for doing these things, well, I don’t believe for a second that you haven’t done the same with your own kids!

    Word to yo mutha! LOL!! 🙂

  22. Robert said,

    Thanks to all those who saw the shot….I got lucky….course my good friends in section 15 were rewarded for all the “advice” before the shot…I bought every whoopie pie left…

    And to James…its Albert Street, not Albert Avenue…but then again, you’d probably get lost if not holding your mothers hand…

    And in case you’re wondering, the $1,000 will come in handy when I’m out of work shortly…the sale went through, all accounting services moving to Andover Mass, and Philadelphia..always the case, you win but its spoken for….

    Keep smiling folks!

  23. James said,

    I thought you said you were moving shortly if Governor Baldacci won. Guess your word doesn’t mean anything.

  24. Robert said,

    “james”…please reference the exact spot where I indicated I would be moving if Baldy won…and for once please use your real name, I think you’re the only one on the blogs without the guts to do so…at least this time you’re pretending to be a guy…

  25. James said,

    How soon you forget, typical

    • Stella said,

      think you may have inspired me to take some images of my favorite doors as well.. i stare every day and do the same drooling thing! (my bu3dnilg&#i9;s door is black, but it does have some character, so I don't mind 😉

  26. LaFlamme said,

    Okay, what’s the back story on this one?

  27. James said,

    Crows are mysteriously dying around the Promenade Mall. Not just one, but a hefty number. However we’re in the dark as to why because the SJ hasn’t any investigative journalist willing to do their job. Perhaps the Portland Press Herald might be interested.

  28. Robert said,

    James, as always instead of proving your point, no matter what name you go by, your answer to anyon asking for facts is “because you said so’, well honestly, you’re not worth the breath I took when i read your response. Funny how I knew what your answer would be….Course prior to the election there was no one named James even posting so lets do the math on that one…oh well, guess its better than calling yourself a transvestite…

    As to the crows, thousands of them flock in the Promenade and upper Lisbon Street area, just check out Applesass HIll any weeknight around 5PM…eventually when all the squirrels have been consumed, they move on for a year or so and then return…

    The question is whether its viral or man made (poisoned)…I suspect the latter…

  29. LaFlamme said,

    Yes, James. Why don’t you call the Portland Press Herald and tell them about the dead crows in Lewiston. Please. Go do it now.

  30. James said,

    Your “journalist partner” has already found the story. Certain that you guys will copy it shortly.

  31. brenda said,

    I heard about it on tv news

  32. Robert said,

    Hey Danny, using your brother in laws name and not just jim but “James” like the way your mother says it…way to be original….get a grip my friend.

    Oh, lets go for a simpler question for James: How did you hear about the bird story?

    My point is that even those of us in the neighborhood knew little about this until Sunday evening’s late news broke the story. Truth is a local resident called the tv to report it – she never called the LSJ….so anyone, anywhere who later “breaks” the story would be guilty of climbing on….

    Your bashing of the LSJ is like me bashing them because they did not report you urinating in public, when caught on film and given to Channel 13. Duh!

  33. James said,

    For you to be such an ass during a time like this shows what stuff you are truly made of. Thanks for the confirmation, Bob.

    • Sandra said,

      I love fried zucchini, a must to order when they're on the menu. I like though that yours are not ovoyer-ceatld and breaded like in most fastfood places. Thanks for sharing.

  34. Mandy, the obit writer said,

    Did anyone else notice the typo in the principal’s letter to the parents? The letter says the incident occurred on December 6, 2007.

  35. lost sole said,

    yeah, I noticed that

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