Green with envy
When I was an aspiring artist, looking to earn some quick high school credits, I was asked to make a green pepper out of papier mache. Other students made perfectly authentic looking fruits and vegetables, but I never caught on. In fact, I absolutely sucked. 
After a week of toil, I had before me what appeared to be a giant green penis. I mean, that thing was almost anatomically perfect. I had no intention of shaping a male sex organ out of paper and glue, but that's what happened. If you saw that sucker in the produce section at Shaw's, you'd blush. Some of you would place it in your cart as discreetly as possible and race home. Hey, what you do in the privacy of your bedroom is none of my business.
But that's not the point. The point is, a lot of people laughed at my large, green penis. I knew I was no Rodan, but so what? I had never endeavored to be any kind of artist. I just wanted to earn my credits and get the hell out of high school.
I kept the ungainly, green phallus around until it fell apart. When visitors asked what the hell an olive colored prick was doing on my bookshelf, I defended the thing as a work of art. I never told them it was supposed to be a pepper. I just got all huffy and accused them of being rubes with no creative vision. Sooner or later, my dog carried the damn thing off and buried it in the backyard. Thus ended the tortured artist segment of my high school epoch.
Last week, dozens of readers called or wrote the paper after we ran a photo of the controversial Britney Spears sculpture. Frankly, it looked to me like she was in a position to conceive a child, not birth one. That notwithstanding, the uproar was immediate and fierce. That's not art, the callers screamed. That's smut. And you just know the artist is somewhere out there huffily defending his work and decrying his detractors as rubes and prudes. Maybe he set out to produce a giant squash but it ended up looking like Britney on all fours. 
Me, I have no opinion. Art, smut… I don't much care. Though it's worth pointing out that a couple years ago, many of us would have been glad to see the blond pop star presented this way. These days? Not so much.
The Screaming Room 
Bobbie said,
April 2, 2006 at 1:19 am
If you want to claim that your papier mache pepper accidentally looked like a green penis, I’ll let you have your little fantasy. We all know the real reason behind it-your mind is in the gutter more times than it is out.
Gil said,
April 2, 2006 at 1:47 am
I hear Dan has the opposite problem. His penis is often mistaken for a small green pepper.
LaFlamme said,
April 2, 2006 at 1:57 am
Ha! That’s somehow a very disturbing thought.
Bulldog said,
April 2, 2006 at 7:12 am
Mark, you are the epitome of “disturbing thought”
"The Weasel" said,
April 2, 2006 at 7:38 am
Mainetarr said,
April 2, 2006 at 7:44 am
Goodmorning Weasel. Muuuuaahhhh!
Mainetarr said,
April 2, 2006 at 7:47 am
Nice salt and pepper shakers you have there. Let me guess, these are the ones we will find at the Lost Sole on all the tables?
K2 said,
April 2, 2006 at 8:07 am
“MIne’s bigger.”
“What?”
“My cucumber. It’s bigger than yours.”
Animal House, anyone?
And Weasel, shouldn’t the pepper-pecker shaker be black?
To be honest, I’m still shocked at how culturally conservative Androscoggin County is. Most out of staters have this notion that Maine is pretty liberal, filled with rotund, short-haired lesbians. Well, minus Freeport, that notion is dead wrong.
Why nudity riles the prigs, I’ll never know. Cripes, why prigs are prigs is a mystery in itself.
"The Weasel" said,
April 2, 2006 at 8:22 am
Hey MT…
Can only talk for a few minutes. I’ve got to clean up after all those college students.
Mainetarr said,
April 2, 2006 at 8:26 am
Someone has a birthday coming up in two days Weasel……how can we embarrass him? I need some ideas.
Mainetarr said,
April 2, 2006 at 8:26 am
K2, Ogunqiut….don’t forget Ogunquit.
"The Weasel" said,
April 2, 2006 at 8:32 am
Your right. Let me see what I came come up with… I’ll e-mail you…..
Bobbie said,
April 2, 2006 at 8:33 am
K2,
I know one person who thinks that everyone in Maine is a prude.
All of the lesbians are not in Freeport. Some have actually migrated to Brunswick.
As for Britney Spears, I don’t like the statue of her simply because what comes out of her mouth makes my dog howl in pain every dingle time. I guess it has some artistic value, but I look at it and think that celebrities will do anything to keep themselves in the news.
Mainetarr said,
April 2, 2006 at 8:44 am
Ahhh, Britney Spears….You can take the girl out of the trailer park but you can’t take the trailer park out of the girl. She’s nasty. What a terrible rold model that one turned out to be. Maybe the statue is supposed to be a statement for Pro-Life, but man, it could be for Pro-Choice too. And I thought she had her baby via c-section?
K2 said,
April 2, 2006 at 9:13 am
I wonder if that artwork needs to be mounted? The sculpture probably makes for more interesting post-coitus conversation than the the real Ms. Spears. ($10 bucks says she chews gum when she’s gettin’ nailed.)
And how ’bout Ms. Spears using her baby as a potential airbag on the highway? Now there’s some quality parenting for you. What a sculpture that would’ve made.
The problem with the ‘music’ industry is, they create these prepackaged stars, plant them in the public soil, and reap the harvest. It’s totally formulaic. And good music is anything but. The industry doesn’t focus on the music first, and the image second. Or third. Or fourth. I don’t know about you people, but most of my favorite musicians aren’t pretty people.
Kinda like the famous horror writers in Maine. Faces their mommas couldn’t love.
And MT, I love the trailer park line. A total keeper.
Mainetarr said,
April 2, 2006 at 9:28 am
rold model? Geesh, I gotta check what I type before I send it. Too early. Damn time change thing too.
K2, I agree with you on the image reference. Look at Willie Nelson (if you can). Talented, talented songwriter-I mean he wrote Crazy for God’s sake-but pretty, uh…no. In today’s image conscious world, he would have been tossed back into the sea of musicians.
Mainetarr said,
April 2, 2006 at 9:30 am
Hey K2, how was the skiing and the golfing?
Mainetarr said,
April 2, 2006 at 9:32 am
BREAKING NEWS: Iran tests high powered underwater nuclear missle.
Bobbie said,
April 2, 2006 at 9:36 am
Thanks for the breaking news. My son-in-law patrols that area of the world and they’re planning on being very busy this year.
K2 said,
April 2, 2006 at 10:12 am
“Iran, Iran so far away. . . .”
Flock of Seagulls, anyone? Wow were they gay.
I hope you all have your apocalypse kits ready. Mine is a lawnchair and a duffelbag filled with every illicit narcotic known to man, plus a twelver of Colt 45 and the Beatles’ ‘Revolver.’ I’m just gonna lay in my chair, throw on ‘Tomorrow Never Knows,’ tie on a monster buzz, and smile as I’m vaporized by the multitudes of nuclear weapons strategically striking for the greater Lisbon, Maine, area.
MT, the skiing Thursday afternoon was great. I hit Sunday River’s Tin Woodsman 8 times. It was one big snow cone of goodness, with bumps galore and plenty of trees to avoid. Throw in my 2 cruiser runs to the bar and I got 10 runs altogether in in 2 hours.
Friday afternoon I golfed the Meadows in Litchfield. Got lost going to Litchfield, and got lost soming back from Litchfield (I think they filmed Deliverance there), but the course was nice, albeit short. I’d play it again, though — if I can find it.
And Yeah, Willie ain’t pretty. Isn’t he playing Auguster any day now? And did you know that his original lyric for ‘Crazy’ was ‘Stupid’? He tells the story on VH1 Storytellers with Johnny Cash. A must-have CD.
K2 said,
April 2, 2006 at 10:19 am
I forgot to mention that I theorize that if you subscribe to the SJ, you don’t get the ‘We will review your post’ message in their new and unimproved blogs. Can this be affirmed or refuted?
Mainetarr said,
April 2, 2006 at 10:46 am
Yes I have seen the Storytellers show with the two of them. I am a big fan of Crossroads. Sugarland and Bon Jovi was one of the best I have seen to date. Friday night I caught an old episode of Dolly Parton and Melissa Ethridge. When they cross roads, they really CROSS roads. That is one of the best things going on music television these days. I think I saw Montgomery Gentry and Lynyrd Skynard on there before too.
Bobbie, my mistake, the missle did not have a nuclear warhead on it. But I am sure that is next. What the hell are we going to do? We can’t have 1,000,000 troops fighting all of the time, but unless we stop those towel headed bastards, we will all be praying to allah. We are going to have to make Iran a parking lot, I am afraid. Sorry, I am just venting….
rrrr said,
April 2, 2006 at 11:35 am
rrrrrrr
Herb said,
April 2, 2006 at 12:33 pm
Gooood Morning Mainers. Flash, Iran is the next stop on the world tour of G.W. There are still some American kids left alive.
Flash, FB=Dan, his fascination with anal sex comes from his time in Jail where he served as a Prison Bitch to a native born Somalian.
Flash Happy Birthday Weasel, I will bury the hatchet, I will still be a moron, but I will have fun at it. BTW did your mother have any kids that lived?
Bobbie: Forgive my fau pax (spelling) I do not want your email address, I might send you some romantic words, and we’d both be in trouble.
As for the rest of you, I am not angry with you or sick of you or anything else. I feel free, and it is going to my head. I have settled down now, and will take my lumps like a man. Like I said you are the only friends I’ve got in Maine, except for Dan, but now that I know he was someone’s wife in prison, I can understand him better. Any affection, even from your cell mate is better than none at all.
Flammer, thanks for making this thing possible, however, I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.
There were lesbians who cut their hair short in the L/A area when I was young, in fact I am a recent convert, I cut my hair short and have taken up being a lesbian as well. Not intop anal though
As for green weenies, wasn’t that also called the flying fickle finger of fate? No that was Laugh In. Never Mind
Anyway, enjoy the fine lobster, clams and oysters fresh from the Atlantic, keep in touch and write when you find work.
TTYNT
LaFlamme said,
April 2, 2006 at 2:21 pm
Oh, look. Weasel is back. For those of you who haven’t heard the sordid tale, he got flagged as spam by the blog program. Hell, I didn’t even know I HAD a spam program. It caught 25 bits of nastiness trying to come in. I freed the Weasel from it’s clutches and now all is well.
Mainetarr said,
April 2, 2006 at 3:45 pm
Weasel was spam? Like monkey meat spam? How ironic….poor, poor Weasel. Glad you freed him from the can Mark. And before everyone starts singing Happy Birthday, it’s not Weasel’s birthday…..it is someone else. AND…my hubby turns the big 4-0 on Tuesday. Old fart…LOL
I officially win the clean car contest. I spent over an hour cleaning out the inside, washing windows, vaccuuming. I swear, AO, no wonder you were sneezing in there, I vaccuumed up enough dog hair to knit a sweater. Yuk…You will also be happy to hear it has been febreezed from top to bottom with that special anti allergin febreeze.
A.O. said,
April 2, 2006 at 3:52 pm
Everytime I get out of your car, I change my clothes. Don’t want to be “Baylied”! Thank you for the febreeze. You are too kind.
Weasel in a can. Who’d a thunk it? I’ll have to come up with a Weasel meat pizza for the store. Anybody got any suggestions?
Mainetarr said,
April 2, 2006 at 5:06 pm
Really, you have to change your clothes? Damn!! I didn’t think BooBoo was that bad. That’s gross. I will keep up with it better now. We went and got a thing to keep him in the way back of the SUV, so that should help.
Was the nut bra your invention?
A.O. said,
April 2, 2006 at 5:09 pm
Was that a hoot or what?
And, it’s no big deal! You know I love BooBoo. Just don’t love the dander. **SNIFF**
brenda said,
April 2, 2006 at 5:18 pm
I think Willie Nelson is gorgeous, I like the way he looked (before he shaved it all off)….
I suspected that the sj limits # of posts of the free subscribers, just as they limit the views…..?
herb: sockittomesockittomesockittomesockittomesockittomesockittomesockittome
Bobbie said,
April 2, 2006 at 5:49 pm
I don’t think they do limit them because there was one night that everybody and their brother was posting.
A.O. said,
April 2, 2006 at 5:55 pm
Everybody but Dan!
Bobbie said,
April 2, 2006 at 5:59 pm
True. I guess he didn’t want to get caught in the crossfire that night.
LaFlamme said,
April 2, 2006 at 6:29 pm
Anyone been to Our View today? I almost never check in there these days.
"The Weasel" said,
April 2, 2006 at 6:31 pm
Testing……. Mother Fuckers……..
Mainetarr said,
April 2, 2006 at 6:43 pm
I haven’t even looked at the SJ online since I was booted from the blogs. Bastards.
Linda said,
April 2, 2006 at 6:53 pm
Why look? There’s not much fun there any more
Bobbie said,
April 2, 2006 at 6:55 pm
Any luck on seeing if I can get a copy of the What’ll Ya Have? blog? Even if I have to pay a per page price for a copy, I’m willing to do that. Providing, of course, Eric doesn’t decide to retire on this request.
LaFlamme said,
April 2, 2006 at 6:57 pm
I couldn’t find that sucker, but I think I know another way. Are you looking for just the blog, or the comments, too?
LaFlamme said,
April 2, 2006 at 6:58 pm
Ahhh, nope. Won’t let me in to the blog control panel. I’m shut down.
Bobbie said,
April 2, 2006 at 7:04 pm
Mainetarr,
I was talking to Eden Eve this morning as I read your breaking news post. She wasn’t pleased to hear that news at all. A branch of the military has already started rescinding orders to leave the area. The branch that is doing this to the overseas personnel is also rescinding orders for anyone going overseas as well, unless their MOS is in short supply.
And no, she isn’t upset with you. She just wishes that I hadn’t told her that this morning.
Bobbie said,
April 2, 2006 at 7:04 pm
The comments more than anything.
Bobbie said,
April 2, 2006 at 7:05 pm
There were some good posts that I would like to have had. I’m more than willing to pay the price for a copied page to get them, but like I said, as long as Eric doesn’t see this as a way to retire on.
Bobbie said,
April 2, 2006 at 7:06 pm
Would it help any if I wrote to Rex and requested a copy of the comments for that blog?
LaFlamme said,
April 2, 2006 at 7:27 pm
It’s worth a shot. Rex is sort of out of the blog loop, but he might talk to Eric about it.
LaFlamme said,
April 2, 2006 at 7:28 pm
Be sure to remind him that they’re getting two columns out of me these days and not paying me for them.
Bobbie said,
April 2, 2006 at 7:33 pm
Which columns are you not getting paid for? That doesn’t sound good.
LaFlamme said,
April 2, 2006 at 7:38 pm
Ahhh, I was kidding. Sorta.
Damn. Weasel was still listed as spam. I’m still learning this admistrative shit.
Bobbie said,
April 2, 2006 at 7:40 pm
Ok, I’ll take that as a cue not to ask anymore about it. Listing Weasel as spam wasn’t a Freudian slip, was it?
K2 said,
April 2, 2006 at 7:40 pm
The Sun Journal seems a lot like Geiger — a total clusterfuck.
Blumpkin said,
April 2, 2006 at 7:52 pm
I’m all for doing our own missle test in Tehran
Robert said,
April 2, 2006 at 8:09 pm
Oh come on, anyone worried about North Korea? To me thats an even greater threat, you gotta remember the only reason Iraq made everyone beleive they had WMD’s was to scare their neighbors in Iran…it had nothing to do with the US, but for all of us a convenient excuse to invade an oil producing country. (And yes I voted for Bush).
We will invade Iran of we see something in it for us, or to save one of our oil producing allies…course that depends on your definition of an ally right? You notice nearly nothing is said about Bin Laden lately and all quiet in Afghanistan…..hmmmm..
But anyway, lets get back to Britany and her special statue…it was made before she decided on C-Section, so both sides are correct. Thankfully the LSJ only showed the front view, you get the concept without the disgust….But on the other hand it might work good to show to teenagers as a form of birth control…
"The Weasel" said,
April 2, 2006 at 9:05 pm
FUCK YOU FLAMER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LaFlamme said,
April 2, 2006 at 9:22 pm
Ha! Sorry, man. I have no idea why you’re getting treated so shabbily by WordPress. Did you sleep with Mrs. WordPress or something? They keep moving you to the spam folder, I keep instructing them not to. I’ll get the sucker worked out.
"The Weasel" said,
April 2, 2006 at 9:52 pm
FU
Martha said,
April 3, 2006 at 2:05 am
Mark, did the picture I sent you from my aol account get sent to the spam folder?
LOL.. I personally think Willie SHOULD be thrown somewhere, but not with the musicians.. The man has one of the most annoying voices.. I really DON’T understand why country keeps resurrecting him..
Bulldog said,
April 3, 2006 at 6:43 am
Wow, this is the week for BDays!! I have one coming on Thursday. Maybe we should have a blog/birthday party this week for us birthday babies….
K2 said,
April 3, 2006 at 7:03 am
Well, so much for green with envy. I just saw the forecast for the upcoming week, and now I’m blue with depression. Cold rain sucks monkey cock. Oh, we already covered monkey cock. Make it donkey dick.
K2 said,
April 3, 2006 at 7:05 am
So WordPress is like Arizona and doesn’t adhere to daylight savings?
When I lived in Scottsdale, somebody wrote a letter to the editor of the local rag, arguing against adopting DST. The reason: his yard couldn’t take another hour of sunlight. I kid you not.
A.O. said,
April 3, 2006 at 7:13 am
You’re kidding, right?
dgfd said,
April 3, 2006 at 7:21 am
dfd
"The Weasel" said,
April 3, 2006 at 7:22 am
Testing?
K2 said,
April 3, 2006 at 8:19 am
No, honest.
Also when I was out there, I used to work with a bonafide narcoleptic. Guy would fall asleep in the middle of a conversation. He’d be asleep at the computer half the time. But he drove to and from work. Sounds safe, huh?
And he was a Mormon, to boot. Tons of ’em out there. Their inside joke (besides polygamy) is, if you call God from the Vatican, it’s long distance. But if you call from Salt Lake, it’s a local call. Chuckle. Guffaw. Talk about a knee slapper.
brenda said,
April 3, 2006 at 8:31 am
well, you know, Mormons don’t drink coffee, tea, or anything with caffeine. I once went to a Mormon picnic & it took forever just to get the food spooned onto plates, everybody was in slow motion. All their activities were on the verge of sleep, like your narcoleptic coworker. I really thought the whole group could use a good pot of coffee.
well, I don’t mean to sound judgemental, really. But I wasn’t willing to live without hot drinks, & caffeine. Coffee makes life worth living! HA!
K2 said,
April 3, 2006 at 8:45 am
Brenda, I’m a tea fag, myself. But I’m with you.
Mainetarr said,
April 3, 2006 at 8:57 am
My neighbor is a mormon. I have never heard a woman scream so much at her kids than her. She talks like a truck driver, to boot. They are finally pretty much grown up, but she’s a nut job. She brought me to church with the once when I first moved to the neighborhood. Services started at 9am and I got home at 2:30. Was I pissed!!! I have been going to St. Mattress ever since.
Mainetarr said,
April 3, 2006 at 8:59 am
K2, house bitch/tea fag. With honey and cream. I remember. I am a tea drinker too. LOL
A.O. said,
April 3, 2006 at 9:09 am
I know Mainetarr’s neighbor. She’s a fruitcake.
K2 said,
April 3, 2006 at 9:29 am
So here’s another good one: I know a few locals from the Legion down the street, and it turns out that a husband and wife both got OUIs last week in Lewiston on the same night, and get this — in the same fucking car. They got pulled over in the evening, and the guy blew a 0.13 or so and was taken to jail. The wife decided to keep on drinkin’ while her husband got booked, sodomized, etc., and then she got pulled over on her way to bail him out of jail. She blew like a 0.17. She said the officer never told her why he pulled her over. Like the cop even needed a reason at that point?!? The LPD obviously had an eye out for the car and the drunk wife. Or for really drunk drivers. Duh.
Mainetarr said,
April 3, 2006 at 9:46 am
What a dumbass. I had a friend in Poland that got charged with two counts of OUI, driving to endanger, speeding, etc….because he got pulled over, the policeman walked up to the car, asked for license and registration (he handed it over to the policeman) then when the cop came back and asked him to step out of the car, he drove off. What a moron….deserved to go to jail.
K2 said,
April 3, 2006 at 10:07 am
Yeah, if you find yourself in a hole, it’s best to stop digging.
Reminds me of an old song they’d sing on WCMF in Rochester:
How’s your whole . . . family.
How’s your whole . . . family
Suck on a big cock . . . tail with me.
Suck on a big cock . . . tail with me.
Oh, my tea is done steeping, and Oprah’s on in 5 minutes. . . .
K2 said,
April 3, 2006 at 10:11 am
Wow. looks like Jason is asking Mark out on a date in the Real Flamer blog. Mark’s cheap, but he ain’t easy, Jason. Or is it he’s easy, but not cheap? Me forget.
Thaifood Teena said,
April 3, 2006 at 10:26 am
Yeah, that Jason better watch it. LaFlamme is mine. If I ever get out of jail, I will kick that Jason’s ass. Bastard.
"The Weasel" said,
April 3, 2006 at 11:13 am
WIth Treehugger’s birthday imminent, does anyone know where I can find this girl? She’d rattle his chestnuts like no one else.
http://www.ehowa.com/showmovie.shtml?movie=boxingballs.wmv
LaFlamme said,
April 3, 2006 at 12:58 pm
Hey, Weasel has been despamified. I wrote to the anti-spam program and asked them WTF.
Blumpkin said,
April 3, 2006 at 1:05 pm
I got despamified a couple of years ago. My ass still hurts
LaFlamme said,
April 3, 2006 at 1:09 pm
I know Chunder has an economy sized jug of lube, if that helps.
Rolling Chunder said,
April 3, 2006 at 1:12 pm
pity the fool that asks me for my jug o’ lube
LaFlamme said,
April 3, 2006 at 1:18 pm
I wonder if I still that jug ‘o lube photo. Inappropriate for the SJ site, just right for this place.
LaFlamme said,
April 3, 2006 at 1:18 pm
Martha: no photo has arrived. No mail at all. Try sending a test mail to mlaflamme@sunjournal.com
A.O. said,
April 3, 2006 at 2:21 pm
K2, Sounds like you know some real fine people out there in Lisbon. What a riot.
K2 said,
April 3, 2006 at 2:32 pm
Yeah, I know some doozies. In fact, one nearly toothless fella at the Legion approached me a month ago and said, “You know, I pegged you wrong.”
I was like, “What?”
And he says, “I thought you were gay, for sure.”
“What? Why?”
“You have a turtle neck on [it was a crew neck, bitch], and your teeth are perfect. Your just too neat.”
“Gee, thanks for letting me know I’m not gay.”
I shit you not. And my teeth arent’ perfect. I’ve got a few cavities back in me molars. Of course, the white-trash fuck beat me three games in a row in pool. Now that’s gay.
A.O. said,
April 3, 2006 at 2:39 pm
Sounds like a fun place. We should have the next bloggers get together there. VERY classy.
Mainetarr said,
April 3, 2006 at 6:14 pm
Were you drinking tea at the Legion again?
Martha said,
April 4, 2006 at 2:08 am
Mark,
I’ll have to try resending it tomorrow when I get home, if I can remember that long.
LaFlamme said,
April 4, 2006 at 2:12 am
Yeah, try again. mlaflamme@sunjournal.com
LaFlamme said,
April 4, 2006 at 3:15 am
TEST. Did I fix the time? Sucker doesn’t update to -4 GMT.
Martha said,
April 5, 2006 at 5:59 am
Mark, it may have to wait now.. the photo is saved on my computer and my daughter just hooked hers up at my house.. Actually, I got the picture from her.. I’ll have to see what I can do. I didn’t have time to take care of it yesterday.