Fear itself

May 16, 2006 at 1:11 am (Uncategorized)

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In an effort to psychologically profile all of you (the FBI behavioral science unit actually pays me to keep this blog running) I have been secretly provoking you with very strategic subject matter. Every single post is scrutinized by both a team of analysts and a computer system with cutting edge software. You people are very sick. The battle of the bands debate, for instance, revealed that most of you are borderline psychotics who may pose a threat to the very fabric of our society. The cannibalism discussion uncovered sadomasochistic traits in 94 percent of you. And your feedback on the piece about adult toys, well… The BSU guys had to create a spanking new category just to fit you in somewhere. Alarms go off in Quantico each time one of your names appear.

Clearly, I've said too much. Today, we intend to further pick at your malformed brains by assessing those things that do or do not scare you. Fear, you know, is among the most important traits to reside in the mind of man. Fear is the basis for all we do. Fear of hunger, fear of lonliness, fear of rejection, fear of death. Few things will kick your psychic ass like fear.

And so, let's get started, shall we? I'm going to present you with a few multiple choice questions and ask that you simply answer them as honestly as you feel you can, given your tendancy toward mood swings and schizophrenic episodes.

You are reading a scary book late at night. The most frightening noise around you would come from:

a) the closet

b) outside the window

c) under the bed

You are walking down a dark alley at night. You would least like to encounter a:

a) whacked out crackhead

b) large, snarling dog

c) dead wino

At the carnival, the most unnerving attraction is the:

a) freak show

b) haunted house

c) house of mirrors

d) Zipper

The last thing you want to see coming out of a closet is:

a) a deranged young girl with a tendancy to bite

b) an insane, cackling old woman

c) a long dead relative

d) your best friend

In your most vivid nightmare, you imagine a horrible death by:

a) burning

b) drowning

c) chainsaw

d) cancer

The last thing you want to find inhabiting your sleeping bag when you wake up on a camping trip is:

a) a hornet

b) a snake

c) a scorpion

d) your best friend

In moments of unfounded but abject panic, you tend to worry most about:

a) poverty

b) social alienation

c) disease

d) premature burial

The part of your house that most fills you with baseless dread is:

a) the attic

b) the basement

c) crawlspace

d) bathroom

The most fearsome ghoul comes in the form of:

a) a clown

b) a next door neighbor

c) a hulking freak with a hook for a hand

Even for a half million dollars, you would not spend a night in:

a) a reputedly haunted house

b) an Indian burial ground

c) a mortuary

d) a septic tank

The item you would least like to find in the bottom of your glass of milk is a:

a) human eyeball

b) plump spider

c) pubic hair

d) slug

When imagining your inevitable execution, you consider this to be the worst:

a) hanging

b) firing squad

c) electric chair

d) gas chamber

You would least like to gain the attention of a:

a) shark

b) grizzly bear

c) alligator

d) school of piranha

Which historical figure is most frightening:

a) Dracula

b) Satan

c) Hitler

The following is the most unnerving in times of fright:

a) running up the stairs

b) running down the stairs

c) running through the woods

And finally, the most chilling sound of all is:

a) whispering

b) screaming

c) a low, throaty chuckle

d) growling

Scream-of-Fear.jpg

Thank you for confronting and sharing your fears. Please do not forget to take your Lithium on the way out.

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93 Comments

  1. Gil said,

    1. Scary book at night – scariest noise from – the scary book. That would freak me out.
    2. Dark alley encounter – whacked out, large, snarling, dead, wino, crackhead.
    3. The most unnerving carnival attraction – The toothless meth freak operating the ride who keeps staring at my child and rubbing himself.
    4. Coming out of a closet – Either from answer 2 or 3
    5. Horrible death – Forced to watch Al Gore’s new movie a la “Clockwork Orange”
    6. Inhabiting your sleeping bag – Fat Bastard himself
    7. Abject panic, worry – Poverty
    8. The part of your house that most fills you with baseless dread – basement (flooding)
    9. Most fearsome ghoul form – Tie between missionary freak in a tie knocking on your door at 9am on Saturday ( I mean really, what kind of crazed, crackpot, kool-aid sipping religion would even make you get up at 9 am on Saturday), or the moms who dress their kids up and put them in beauty pageants. (Those little girls scare the bejeezus out of me)
    10. For a half million dollars, you would not spend a night in:- stupid question, for half a mil I’d gank my sister over the head with a snow shovel.
    11. Item you would least like to find in the bottom of your glass of milk – the hotel room key that grandma’s bingo friend slipped in. Along with her lower plate.
    12. My inevitable execution – as the filler in a Helen Thomas / Janet Reno sandwich
    13. Least like to gain the attention of a – A Kennedy behind the wheel while I am in the crosswalk.
    14. Most frightening historical figure – Jimmy Carter. He keeps getting older and smaller, but those teeth keep getting bigger.
    15. The most unnerving in times of fright – Going upstairs anytime you weigh 250 lbs is unnerving.
    16. The most chilling sound of all – “So if the stick turns blue, we’re pregnant.”
    Hope that helps
    K2, get your tinfoil hat on, you were right “Just because I’m paranoid, doesn’t mean they aren’t out to get me”

  2. Martha said,

    1. I don’t read scary books… ever
    2. snarling dog.. was terrified of dogs as a kid.. still wary of ones I don’t know.
    3. Zipper.. I don’t do the others.
    4. Any except the best friend
    5. Don’t know
    6. Any except the best friend
    7. Probably burial.. claustrophobia you know
    8. None of them
    9. None of them
    10. Septic tank
    11. I don’t drink milk.. maybe a good thing I don’t
    12. Don’t know
    13. All the above.
    14. Dracula and Hitler are dead.. nothing to fear there.. and Satan is defeated.
    15. Don’t know.
    16. Growling.. the dog thing again.

  3. Mainetarr said,

    1-my dog’s butt, that could peel the paint off the walls
    2-a group of illegal aliens
    3-the price of admission, games, rides, parking, food, etc…
    4-Dan Breton
    5-dying in a plane crash
    6-my friend Sheila, I love her and all, but that would just be wrong…lol
    7-Baldacchi getting re-elected
    8-the part that doubled my taxes, Bastards
    9-a frog-I hate frogs
    10-the Fat Bastards bedroom, there is not enough money or tequila to get me to do that. YUK!!
    11-all of the above
    12-getting stoned to death (with rocks K2-lol) or being burnt at the stake
    13-a rabid dog
    14-I’m with Gil on this one. What the hell? He taking steroids for his teeth?
    15-running upstairs
    16-“You have the right to remain silent…..”

  4. jarheaddoc said,

    I’m just gonna skip right to the last one and say that it’s the sound of the snowblower coming apart when you’re looking at a six foot snowdrift at the end of your driveway at the end of a storm. Followed closely by the sound of the shovel handle snapping right where your kid sawed it part way through ‘just to see the look on your face’

  5. K2 said,

    I simply fear the humans species’ almost unlimited potential for causing needless pain, both physically and emotionally. People are afraid of snakes, bears, spiders, darkness, lightning, whatever. I’m just afraid of bad people — liars, theifs, reckless drivers, pedophiles, rapists, murderers, warmongers, etc. These are scariest to me, because they’re all REAL.

  6. Linda said,

    Those will take some thinking about. (and I’ll certainly be thinking about them, thanks so much,Mark). On a first read-through, the only one that made my heart rate react was premature burial. The idea of being confined in a small space … I react pretty strongly to that. Let that go in my file.

  7. Gil said,

    Hey, it worked. Jean/Dan was on the Our View calling people liars and morons and I hit the suggest removal link and posted “I thought this was a kinder gentler blog”. Checked it this morning and it was gone. I love pissing him/her/it off. And that has got to get him/her/it wound up. As noted before – I’m not quite grown up.

  8. Mainetarr said,

    That’s why we love you Gil.

  9. Linda said,

    I’m sure the BSU has taken note of that, Gil.

  10. K2 said,

    Jeez, Gil, a fake post the other day, and now tattling? Things that make me go ‘Hmmmm.’

  11. Richie said,

    You are reading a scary book late at night. The most frightening noise around you would come from:
    b) outside the window
    This would be closely followed by the ‘clack’ noise of a rifle bolt sliding forward as I prepared to see if I couldn’t be just a bit more frightening.

    You are walking down a dark alley at night. You would least like to encounter a:
    b) large, snarling dog
    You can shoot him, but he’ll keep coming. I’ve seen lots of dead people, thats no big sweat. Shoot the crack-head right between the lookers; he isn’t going anywhere either.

    At the carnival, the most unnerving attraction is the:
    a) freak show c) house of mirrors
    b) haunted house d) Zipper

    None of the above. Why is this stuff supposed to be scary ?

    The last thing you want to see coming out of a closet is:
    d) your best friend

    He’s the one who probably made that noise outside my window, just to decoy me away from the door. Dunno what he’s doin’ in the closet; and it looks like he’s wearing panties and a bra; but I’m not interested in his “coming out of the closet” issues. Three rounds rapid fire: commence !

    In your most vivid nightmare, you imagine a horrible death by:
    a) burning c) chainsaw
    b) drowning d) cancer

    All of these are bad. Nothing good here.

    The last thing you want to find inhabiting your sleeping bag when you wake up on a camping trip is:
    d) your best friend

    Damn, I thought I shot you already. I know you’ve got this fantasy thing going on, but dude, you’ve just gotta get a grip.

    In moments of unfounded but abject panic, you tend to worry most about:
    a) poverty c) disease
    b) social alienation d) premature burial

    None of the above.
    e) Running out of ammo. (hmm, better order another case of .223.

    The part of your house that most fills you with baseless dread is:
    d) bathroom

    I love my wife; I love her early; but, dude; when she pinch’s a loaf, I mean, it brings tears to your eyes. The cat meaows to go out, the smoke alarm goes off, my colour tv goes to black and white; OK ?

    The most fearsome ghoul comes in the form of:
    b) a next door neighbor

    They ALWAYS want your – b b r r r a a a i i n n s s s s !!!! –

    Even for a half million dollars, you would not spend a night in:
    a) a reputedly haunted house c) a mortuary
    b) an Indian burial ground d) a septic tank

    I don’t care. I’ll take it in cash please.
    I went on a call to a funeral home once. Report of “Unknown situation; woman screaming.” I get there, go in the front door. Sure as hell, I hear a woman upstairs screaming like no tomorrow. I pull my pistol, and procede to do my best sneak and creep. Saw someone laying on a table ! Aim pistol ! Aww, shit. That one’s already dead. OK. Now I’M scared ! OK. Move up the stairs carefully ! Peak around corner.

    Aw, shit. Guy shot himself. In through the left temple, out through the right. D.R..T.
    He really was toes up, too. That was his mom down the hall; screaming. Scary, man. I had bad dreams about that for a few days,

    The item you would least like to find in the bottom of your glass of milk is a:
    a) human eyeball c) pubic hair
    b) plump spider d) slug

    See ! This is why i DON’T drink milk !

    When imagining your inevitable execution, you consider this to be the worst:
    a) hanging c) electric chair
    b) firing squad d) gas chamber

    Eh. Being sentenced to listen to dumb-o-crat speakers would REALLY be bad.

    You would least like to gain the attention of a:
    a) shark c) alligator
    b) grizzly bear d) school of piranha

    None of the above. e) Scientology devotees

    Which historical figure is most frightening:
    a) Dracula – just doesn’t do “days”, ya know ?
    b) Satan – (seen him on South Park. He worries me.
    c) Hitler – beat the French in 4 days. How can THAT be bad ?

    None of the above.
    d) Hillary Clinton

    The following is the most unnerving in times of fright:
    a) running up the stairs c) running through the woods
    b) running down the stairs

    None of the above.
    d) Running out of ammo. (Hmmm; better order TWO cases . . ; and some C-4)

    And finally, the most chilling sound of all is:
    a) whispering c) a low, throaty chuckle
    b) screaming d) growling

    None of the above.
    e) The sound of a shotgun being racked.
    Studies have shown that to be one of the most universally identified sounds.
    I mean, EVERYONE knows what that clack-clack sound is; and what may shortly follow.

    Yah. Better order 3 cases of ammo; and have it overnighted too.

  12. AO said,

    I consider it giving Dan/Jean/him/her/it, a taste of it’s own medicine.

  13. jarheaddoc said,

    I am new to this blog but have been told that some of its origins are due to the Sun Journal trying to regulate free speech. Can someone clue me in and give me the site address so I can get involved in that fray, also? I appreciate that.

  14. Asshat said,

    Richie, are you a postal worker by any chance?

  15. Richie said,

    That fray has concluded with Le Flamer’s blog being evicted from the SJ.
    They very well can regulate free speech since it’s on their dime and their time; and they did. What they didn’t do was realise that the person complaining was a worthless piece of liberal crap; who, in the forum of public ideas, couldn’t handle the freedom and opportunity.

    Now the Sun Journal runs a typically liberal blog-site where they control everything.
    You’re better-off right here in the Flamer Blog Nuclear Defense Shelter.
    Where men are men, nad sometimes the women are men & the men are women, but, hey . . . not that there’s anything wrong with that.

  16. Richie said,

    Nahh; couldn’t pass the Heavy Machine Gun requirement for the Postal Service.

    I am jealous, though; they’re so much better armed than I am, or ever was.

  17. Linda said,

    jd, haven’t you been here forever?

    This bunker is a good place. Not at all claustrophobic. Let the BSU do their worst.

  18. Anonymous said,

    It only seems like forever, Linda. Richie is a little too into his guns and ammo to really trust his opinion, so how about you give me your version of it? I am out of contact here for the next few hours, but I will get back to the site at some point tonight. Thanks

  19. jarheaddoc said,

    Damn typist running this computer! Garbage in, garbage out! Richie, it’s not that I’m against firearms ownership, just the opposite, actually: I’m not sure if we’re gonna see Ruby ridge and Waco recreated in Maine, that’s all.
    Fear the government that fears gun ownership!

  20. jarheaddoc said,

    Damn typist running this computer! I forgot to put a name in the block with that last post, Linda. Garbage in, garbage out! Richie, it’s not that I’m against firearms ownership, just the opposite, actually: I’m not sure if we’re gonna see Ruby ridge and Waco recreated in Maine, that’s all.
    Fear the government that fears gun ownership!

  21. LaFlamme said,

    Daaaamn. That is some entertaining shit. The BSU boys will be most pleased.

  22. LaFlamme said,

    Incidentally, if required to answer the above questions myself, I’d go with: A B A C A C D A A A B D A B A A

  23. Mainetarr said,

    TESTES TESTES….AM I HERE OR STILL BANNED?

  24. "The Weasel" said,

    1) Dan Belching
    2) A sober K2. Opps, I thought you said “Least Likely”
    3) Merry-go-Round
    4) The Flamer…. We always know he’ll stay in the “Closet”
    5) Herb reciting his military history
    6) Chunder
    7) K2 Quoting song lyrics
    8) The kitchen and K2’s making breakfast
    9) K2 In a maid outfit
    10) Herb the Pervs Lair
    11) A mirror
    12) Eaten by Dan
    13) Chris Williams
    14) Jim Bennett
    15) Break Dancing
    16) K2 actually singing the song lyrics he qoutes

  25. LaFlamme said,

    Scramble!

  26. Linda said,

    THE (POST) APOCALYPSE ACCORDING TO LINDA

    Jeez, jarhead! get a grip! it’s not like you to be so scrambled. Don’t let the whole surveillance thing get to you.

    Here’s the funny thing though — I just started reading the Street Talk blog about 3 days before it melted down. It was a VERY hostile, name calling fray. It centered around Dan, aka the Fat Bastard, allegedly aka Jean. I felt a voyeuristic fascination. What in the world was going on? I didn’t know the people, or the issues, but it was fascinating anyhow. I felt as if i was poised on the edge of river rapids, wanting to jump in but waiting for the moment when it looked least dangerous.

    Then one day I took the usual bracing deep breath and logged in, and there was nothing. No blog at all. Somebody had posted somebody’s address, and the webmaster had yanked the lot. I minded a lot: had gotten hooked, in just a few days.

    If I remember, ALL the blogs were down. Eventually they came back except for Street Talk. I spent a day or two roaming the rubble. Then somebody posted a clue, a pointer to the new place. I was here like a shot, and very pleased with my resourcefulness. There was a post-apocalyptic quality that was very appealing.

    I keep mentioning that I have something big and important on at work, and escaping to this cyber-world has been just what I needed. I still do all the same things I always did before, and more of some of them (like work) but I just do them more often in front of the screen. The last activities I want to get involved in at the moment are confrontation and debate, so when I don’t agree, I just read and keep quiet. As you can imagine, some of my views are very different and someday I’ll share them more fully. But if everyone felt the same way, wouldn’t life be dull? I spend a lot of time with people who share my politics and religion and it feels like a good thing to listen and consider the other side.

    Anyhow, was that what you were asking? (And probably so much more. Sometimes my husband says, oh no, who put a nickel in?)

  27. Linda said,

    I’m scared of being on a boat or ship out in the ocean. The whole “full fathom five” idea gives me the jim-jams. Yet it would never occur to me to be scared in a plane seven miles up in the air.

  28. LaFlamme said,

    Hey, that’s cool, Linda. It’s like a Street Talk Memories piece. The SJ web just ain’t what it used to be, that’s for sure.

  29. K2 said,

    Weasel, I’ll make a ‘K2’s Homemaker Calendar’ for you, so you can adoringly gaze at me every month (July is me in a thong cleaning a filthy toilet), and each one would have a button battery and speaker to play snippets of me singing Neil Young. ‘Oh to live on, Sugar Mountain, with the Barkers and the colored balloons. . . ‘

  30. Linda said,

    K2, it’s bound to be a big seller.

    And Mark, nostalgia is my specialty. I have this bizarre need to neatly wrap and define things. Whatever defies categorization has my full attention. QED.

  31. LaFlamme said,

    Yeah. I somewhat gathered that in your e-mail about “Death be not Proud” and “The Pink Room.” I like it. I like it a lot.

  32. "The Weasel" said,

    LOL

  33. Linda said,

    What the hell are you laughing at, Weasel, anyhow?

  34. Linda said,

    You are going to hurt K2’s feelings. Isn’t this supposed to be a kinder, gentler blog?

  35. LaFlamme said,

    Kinder and gentler is kind of incidental. When we got out of the SJ, we were free to cuss and carouse and scream and swear. Without a big brother telling us not to do those things, the appeal of that behavior was diminished. There’s a moral there, but damn if I’m going to go looking for it.

  36. LaFlamme said,

    Can you believe that’s the best Jamie Lee Curtis screaming photo I could find? They have a bunch of her scantily clad, but it just didn’t fit the topic. Or did it? I’ll go back and look at those photos.

  37. Mainetarr said,

    This fuggin wordpress is really starting to piss me off. WTF is going on over there? Every time I post, I have to get unspammed for it to show up. God damnit. Someone needs to get thier fingers out of their ass and FIX this problem. DON’T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE OR SOMEONE WILL BE SORRY!!!

  38. "The Weasel" said,

    Hey Linda…….

    FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK……

    LOL

  39. Linda said,

    Got you off K2’s case; my work is done!

    So did you copy and paste, Weasel, or do you have a program to generate all that? I’m just asking …

  40. Crystal said,

    You are reading a scary book late at night. The most frightening noise around you would come from:
    I don’t freak out too easily but I was reading Amytiville over 12 years ago at night , and I look up and there are like 4 flies on the window sill… That really freaked me out. If you don’t know why… go read Amytiville Horror!!

    You are walking down a dark alley at night. You would least like to encounter a:
    Probably the dog. The dead guy can’t hurt anyone and hopefully the crackhead is seeing delusions and chasing them, not me.

    At the carnival, the most unnerving attraction is the:
    Strange clowns

    The last thing you want to see coming out of a closet is:
    None of these would scare me

    In your most vivid nightmare, you imagine a horrible death by:
    Being buried alive

    The last thing you want to find inhabiting your sleeping bag when you wake up on a camping trip is:
    Snake or scorpion

    In moments of unfounded but abject panic, you tend to worry most about:
    premature burial

    The part of your house that most fills you with baseless dread is:
    Unfortunately I don’t have a house, I have a trailer, so it would have to be the space underneath my trailer because there is no cement pad and all the stray cats in the neighborhood (And there are alot because people are stupid and don’t fix their animals) use it for a litter box and god knows what else.

    The most fearsome ghoul comes in the form of:
    Our President

    Even for a half million dollars, you would not spend a night in:
    a septic tank…ewwwwww

    The item you would least like to find in the bottom of your glass of milk is a:
    I don’t drink milk. Only liquids I can see through!!

    When imagining your inevitable execution, you consider this to be the worst:
    Ever seen the movie Closetland???

    You would least like to gain the attention of a:
    grizzly bear

    Which historical figure is most frightening:
    Hitler- Reality is always scarier than fiction.

    The following is the most unnerving in times of fright:
    Apparently if you are running anywhere, you have to be wearing 4″ heels and be scantily clad, and totally stupid… Well according to all the horror movies anyway

    And finally, the most chilling sound of all is:
    “Can I see you in my office?”

  41. jarheaddoc said,

    Holy shit, please mark these space time coordinates! The mofo’ing sun is actually out where I live! I have been wet for the past week and was really thinking that I lived in Washington State! Shit, it left again, but I know that motherfucker is up there, just laughing at the thought of me cutting the frass after all that rain.

  42. LaFlamme said,

    Wow. Nobody around here drinks milk. Word on the street is, it does a body good. This is all going in my report.

  43. K2 said,

    Well, I just got ass-fucked by the computer gods.

    The skinny of what I had just typed and lost to the digital abyss: Crystal, I was stung by a scorpian in AZ once. Made my hand freakish a la Michael Cain’s in ‘The Hand.’

    Mark, interesting theory on the relative placidity in the LaFlammosphere 2.0. Right or wrong, I like it here.

    Weasel, wouldn’t it figure that I just started reading the new Newsweek, and the ‘My Turn’ bit is by some woman with a science Masters who got so depressed by the utter domesticity of staying home with her kids, she ‘quit’ to become a pizza delivery woman. Let’s just say that bitch didn’t make my calendar. (Wait till you see October — who knew I could skull-fuck a jack-o-lantern so convincingly.)

  44. "The Weasel" said,

    Linda….

    Why is you pimpin’ K2? He seems mizzy than capable of defend’n himself fo my bling bling. You need not stizzick yo nose in a long ballin’ battle. Whats wrong wit throw’n out a few shawty explatives on tha blizzay. Wanna Be Gangsta? Playa? No way!

    Home-Boy translation, compliments of “Gizoogle.com”

  45. K2 said,

    Excuse me, Miss, I speak jive.

    Shit. (Golly.)

  46. Bobbie said,

    Try reading Salem’s Lot right before you go to bed. You get to the point where the guy’s friend floats up the 2nd floor window, knocks and asks to come in. In a little while, someone knocks on your 1st floor bedroom window, asking to be let in. I don’t open the curtain and refuse to let the person in-I only look stupid some days.

    My mother ended up standing outside my window for about an hour and only the threat of being grounded made me let her in. I couldn’t read Stephen King for about a month. Anything else is a piece of cake compared to an irate mother some days.

  47. Linda said,

    Sometimes the rain makes me do crazy things.

  48. LaFlamme said,

    Salem’s Lot is the worst for the windows phobia. Absolutely.

    Airplane.

  49. Linda said,

    High on the list of jobs I wouldn’t want this week: Eric’s.

    This blog is more fun than a barrel of monkeys, but still I go back and check the SJ. “Jean” is getting stranger every day. Eric must be consulting lawyers again. It’s like an epic struggle in one of those creature movies you guys all seem to know by heart, except there’s nothing epic about it. Just picadors and old bull.

  50. Linda said,

    Bobbie, that’s a great story, I can just imagine it

    My dog is very eloquent, and i know nobody could sneak up on us. True, they get a rousing welcome whether friend or foe, but at least I know if there’s somebody there.

    Where I live, and I know it’s crazy to put this on a blog, but there you are: most people don’t even lock doors all the time.

  51. AO said,

    Salem’s Lot was the very first book by King that I read. It scared the crap out of me! Just the thought of those creepy boys tapping on that kids bedroom window stopped me cold. I don’t think I ever finished the book. I was too scared! And, I made sure that my shades were pulled at night.

    Dan/Jean IS strange. But, he’s fun to read. He just keeps going in circles. Sort of like a puppy chasing his own tail.

    Weasel, Where you been you Gangsta? I think we need a little Snoop Dog talk in here.

  52. AO said,

    Lot’s of people in my neighborhood never locked their doors either. Until the day my neighbor came home to find a man in her house going through some of her stuff. After that, everybody started locking their doors.

  53. Linda said,

    I guess that would persuade me to keep my doors locked too, AO.

  54. AO said,

    I’m a big fan of locking my doors. Always have been. Ya just never know. Lot’s of freaks out there.

  55. LaFlamme said,

    I don't even have locks on my doors. I mean, let's face it. This town is full of adulturers, pedophiles, thieves, gluttons, murderers, bullies, scoundrels and covetous morons. And I know every last one of them. Born in lust, turn to dust. Born in sin, come on in!

  56. K2 said,

    Yep. “D’you ever see a grown man naked, Billy?”

    And that’s Jamie Lee in the closet, right before she subdues Mr. Meyers with the ol’ wire hanger in the eye, isn’t it? (In retrospect, how lame is that?!?) ‘No more wire hangers!!!’ *thwack!* ‘Joan Crawford has risen . . . from her grave.’

    AO, I’m from NY, so I lock my doors every time. Although, as a friend used to say, ‘locks are for honest people.’ The really bad ones who want to get in find a way. Thus, my Sears & Roebuck 12-gauge I bought used in Saranac Lake for $90. Ol’ Shooty McShoot — it’s shooted a handful of skunks already, I reckon.

  57. AO said,

    I’ve got nothing. No guns, except for my husband’s grandfather’s OLD shot gun hiding up in my cubby hole. And, I don’t even have any bullets for it. Guess I could always hit the asshole with a full bottle of Fat Bastard. But, it might break the bottle and, why waste good wine on the creep? I’ll just take my trusty Ginsu knife to him/it.

  58. LaFlamme said,

    Ahhh. The conversation has veered over to home protection. Interesting. Too bad I didn’t think of it in the first place.

  59. Linda said,

    One of the deep and less “supernatural” fears: invasion of our homes. Tribes used to gather for protection. Now we want privacy, but also security.

    Same as AO, I’ve got no guns. My best weapon is that I’m not afraid of any of that — a fool’s paradise, I guess. I have everything I need but nothing much that anyone else would want. If anything bad ever happens to me, that’s soon enough to worry. I know it’s a lame strategy for personal safety but it’s the best I’ve got.

  60. LaFlamme said,

    See, I’m one of those whose way more concerned with what’s under the bed or in the closet than I am about the grunting stranger walking on the street with a hatchet.

  61. Linda said,

    Mark, did you ever try one of those beds that sits right on the floor, like maybe with drawers underneath? you could nail the drawers shut if they were going to be a problem.

    Just wondering …

  62. Mainetarr said,

    Home protection….let’s see, I have a loaded shotgun, 9mm and another handgun that my father had. Someone breaks in while I am home and I will, without a doubt, shoot. Bailey will bark if anyone comes to the door. He sounds like he will shread you, but in fact, he will lick you to death. Mr. Friendly. I always keep my doors locked, even when I am home. AO not only keeps her doors locked, but she barracades them too. LOL

  63. Gil said,

    My family thinks I’m paranoid because they never lock any of the doors and I am always on them to keep them locked. Doors and windows locked, shades pulled. Half the time I’ll come home and every door in the house is unlocked. Where I grew up you would come home to an empty house. I was raised with guns, I spent years in the military shooting guns and blowing shit up. There are plenty of guns in my house, and yes Richie, plenty of ammo.
    “Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight.”

  64. AO said,

    Damn right I barracade my door. Who ever would have thought that a beach umbrella would come in so handy!? I mostly started barracading it to keep the Jahovah’s out. 🙂

  65. LaFlamme said,

    Hey, Mainetarr. You escaped the spamroom again?

  66. AO said,

    I know, different kind of SPAM but, my brother was speaking of his love for SPAM the other day. He said he was going to make some for his wife for Mother’s Day. Haven’t heard a peep from him since! Sure hope he’s okay.

  67. Linda said,

    Mainetarr! We hardly see you these days. How did you get banned, is it something you can explain to us?

    I do have a door key actually, and if i lived in the city or totally in the country, I’d probably use it. Always lock my car though, even when I stop at Big Apple for coffee.

  68. AO said,

    I NEVER lock my car. I keep hoping someone will steal it.

  69. Linda said,

    I’ve just been catching up with a blog I read now and then. The woman who writes it lives alone in Pittsburgh and seems to live on the internet. That’s definitely how she meets men. She regularly tells stories about dates with men she met on the net, dates that always go wrong either a little or spectacularly. (You know me, there has to be some connection with the topic — I’m thinking about how she invites these strangers into her apartment. Talk about Mr. Goodbar!!.)

    So she always says stupid stuff like, in his picture he looked like a mature, kind person; or, in his emails he sounded really together and caring. Sometimes she’ll say, it didn’t go all that well but he wanted to see me again so I thought it would be the polite thing to do.

    And by the way, the people who comment always have a whole string of similar stories to commiserate with her.

    Now to me, THAT’s showing a major lack of attention to personal security. Why do people do that? Would you? Maybe if you have guns in the house it’s an acceptable risk? what do you think?

    PS She’s a knitter, and I read her blog for the knitting stories, in case anyone is wondering.

  70. AO said,

    Is it the Aunt Purl blog?

  71. Mainetarr said,

    Well, I was totally banned, but now I am just banned at work. Since I blog frequently from work, I am not heard from much. I have no idea what I did to deserve this unfair punishment, but I wish I could reverse it because it’s a big pain in my ass.

    I drove by Dan’s house tonight and lo and behold, the fat bastard was in his driveway. What a creepy looking freak. I was on my way to Hannaford, I almost picked him up some soap, shampoo and razors, but figured I would have to explain what it was and didn’t feel like talking to him. Yuk.

  72. AO said,

    Ha. Mainetarr, you are sooo funny! I think he needs a trip to the barber shop.

  73. Linda said,

    Well it’s a pain to us too, MT, because we miss you.

    No, AO, not Crazy Aunt Purl. But she’s a bit out there …

  74. LaFlamme said,

    Ahhh, so they’re banning your work IP number. Keep posting from there, MT. I keep marking you “not spam” and the program should eventually learn. Horrible program, that. Lousy algorithm interface projection module PPOE.

  75. AO said,

    I use to read Crazy Aunt Purl all the time. And, I don’t even knit! I just liked to keep up with her day to day life. I liked to know what was going on with her divorce, her dating, her…knitting. I found it quite funny.

  76. Mainetarr said,

    Should be POOP not PPOE. Fuggin thing.

  77. Mainetarr said,

    Hey Flamer, I thought of you this morning when I was eating my fig newtons and reading the SJ online.

  78. AO said,

    Hey, MT, How’s Milo doing?

  79. Mainetarr said,

    He is doing good. Wicked cute little porker. I got him a collar and a tag with his name on it and I got him an overnight bag with his name on it. Spoiled already and i haven’t even brought him home yet. We are going to visit him Saturday or Sunday.20 days till he comes home to us!! I accidentially gave you guys the wrong info. He is an English Mastiff. I was just reading about them. What a “flop dog” he is. RIght now he is still so small he looks like a ferret. LOL When I get him, I will bring him over for the kids to see. (Outside, so you won’t be sneezing all night)

  80. AO said,

    I can’t wait to meet him. And, he can call me “Auntie AO”. Ha. I’m glad he’s doing so well.

  81. Mainetarr said,

    Milo-la?

  82. Bobbie said,

    Trouble always goes to the door with me when someone comes to the house. If it’s a salesman or along those lines, I hold her collar and crack the door just a bit. Needless to say, the salesman doesn’t stay very long. I’ve taken to locking the back door lately for some unknown reason, even with the dog in the house. We have a .22 in the closet (along with the ammo too, Richie) that’s used for target practice more than anything else. Only threatened to shoot one person who was trying to steal the battery out of the truck that we had at the time. If I’ve got Trouble with me in the car, I leave the windows down, the car unlocked and the keys in the ignition. If she isn’t with me, I only lock the car when I go to Wally World. Too many creepy people lurking around there some days for my liking.

  83. AO said,

    I’ve never fired a gun…ever. I do, however, want to learn how to shoot skeet. Anyone here ever done that? Oh, and I also want to learn how to fly fish. Not that it has anything to do with the subject at hand but, I just thought I’d throw it out there. 😉

  84. Mainetarr said,

    Bobbie, I had this brilliant idea that I would go shopping at Walmart late at night, to avoid the crowds. Wrong answer. Apparently, all the freaks go there after 11pm too. Last time we went, I was literally scared out of there rather quickly. What a bunch of freaking wierdos.

  85. AO said,

    My motto is: Anytime I want to feel good about myself, I go to Wal-Mart. Boy, I have seen some HUGE asses in there! And, ugly! I think there must be a breeding section for ugly in there. I think, for some famlies, it’s an all day event. An outing of sorts. “Come on Bubba and Sissy. Let’s go spend the day at the Wal-Mart”

  86. Linda said,

    That’s what it is to have Wal-Mart, I guess.

    What’s the anti-Wal-Mart? Locally? I need some stuff and Wal-Mart’s never been my game.

  87. LaFlamme said,

    Love Wal-Mart. Who else will sell me a can of tuna, a paintbrush and a ballcock plunger at 4 in the morning? Who, I ask you? Nobody. That’s who.

  88. Linda said,

    MT rests her case, I guess

  89. Linda said,

    I like Renys better. They have all that stuff, Mark.

  90. AO said,

    I have never been to Renys. I’ve heard so many good things about it. Sure wish we had one up here in the city.

  91. jarheaddoc said,

    There are a couple of aphorisms I’ve learned about home security: dead people don’t sue, but living relatives do. If you shoot him going out, make sure you point the body so it looks like it’s going in. How do you explain the holes in his back? fuck if I know. Fuck if I care. I heard a story about a man of questionable integrity who had been shot in the back quite a few times with a .22. He was well known to the local cops and you know what the coroner called the death? suicide by pissed off people.
    I thought I was the only one who noticed all the weirdness at my local Wal-Mart. I’m telling you, big Brother is watching, and it’s happening at Wal-Mart. Those balls in the ceiling scare me to death. Thank God it’s not yet a crime to scratch your ass in public.

  92. LaFlamme said,

    Yeah. But is Reny’s 24 hours?

  93. Martha said,

    I think Salem’s Lot is the only Stephen King I’ve ever read. My daughter was about 2 at the time and one night I was watching her and the little girl next door.. This was in a 4th floor apartment. I kept hearing this noise in the kitchen. The lights were out, but I went to check anyway. I couldn’t see anything but still heard the noise.. I stood there for a minute, and here came the other little girl out of her room in her little footie pj’s with the plastic feet…

    I fairly frequently stop at Walmart on my way to work at 2 am.. One night I drove in, there were 2 police cars in front. As I walked to the door they had a guy there in handcuffs.. guess they had more excitement than they wanted.

    I don’t own a gun, but my kids have been known to say if I did, I wouldn’t be afraid to use it. I’ve seriously thought about getting one. Last summer I had someone climbing in one of my windows when I was at work. They apparantly just wanted a place to sleep..and apparantly my dog liked the company. Now I keep all my doors and windows locked. I’m sure glad I have an air conditioner for this summer. I’m afraid my little house would get pretty stuffy with it all closed up.

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