Sweatin’ with the oldies

June 28, 2006 at 12:30 am (Uncategorized)

blanks.jpgI have a brother who once had a fling with Tai Bo. He used to wait until his wife had gone to work, slip her tapes into the machine and then go to town. He’d kick and spin and do whatever cartwheels you’re supposed to do to get the maximum workout. He confessed this to me one night only because he had been drinking steadily since noon. My brother was a bartender then. And a closet Tai Bo enthusiast. And in a weird way, he was cheating on his wife with that really spunky dude who led the Tai Bo workouts. Christ, what a family tree I have.

I mention it only because I have completely lost track of the latest workout trends. I used to work with free weights and a heavy bag in my basement, but then my rotator cuff blew out. Yeah, that’s what caused the rotator cuff to blow out. Working out and stuff. Yeah.

So now, I just sit on the couch a lot. I sit and watch the commercials for the various exercise contraptions that are absolutely inundating the market. There’s one that vows you can get a complete workout in just four minutes a day. It’s called the ROM and it looks like something medieval. Six Second Abs was big for about six days and I actually know a somewhat macho guy who bought one. Sucker ended up on eBay in no time. The contraption, not the macho dude.

My wife has this big, blue ball that she occasionally flops around on, and I never saw the logic in that, either. She explained to me once that it’s called pilates and I said: “Pie-Lates?” She sounded it out more carefully and I said: “Pie-Lates?” At which point, she took her big, blue ball, went into the other room and shut the door.

Exercise crazes have always been a part of the American dream to get bigger, look hotter, live longer. Gym memberships are paid for and then expire. Countless Bo-Flex machines sit in countless basements. You watch Rocky V or “G.I. Jane” and get re-inspired, but the inspiration is as short as Demi’s hair. And so more equipment is lugged to garages and new equipment is pitched on the tube.

I guess I’m feeling reflective about it because I stubbed my toe earlier on a dumbbell downstairs. My only real question here is: you guys ever watch those early morning or late night workout shows just because they’re kind of hot?

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92 Comments

  1. brenda said,

    My six year old likes to watch them early in the morning. He likes to watch the pretty ladies exercise…

    I was a Jack LaLane follower, really. There’s no one like him. He was an inspiration. He should live forever…..

  2. Nadine said,

    The one with Peter Brady in it is super-hot! Ummm….so, yeah, all the time!

  3. LaFlamme said,

    That’s right? Old squeaky voiced Peter Brady is friggin’ buff now. How the hell did that happen? I’ll have to watch the commercials and find out.

  4. LaFlamme said,

    Jack LaLane! Now, there was a manly man, with a manly jumpsuit. Didn’t he live to be something like 150?

  5. Martha said,

    I actually own an ab lounger.. got it cheap at a liquidation auction. Unfortunately, with my daughter, grandsons and their dog living in my little house with me and my 2 dogs, there isn’t room for it in the livingroom anymore. Hence it is on the porch with no room to flex it. And I actually did use it when I could.. Maybe someday I’ll get my house back. That will be nice.

  6. Martha said,

    Brenda, welcome back

  7. Mainetarr said,

    We have a bowflex in the basement. I have never tried it, just the looks of it scares me. I am afraid if I pull the wrong this or move the wrong way, one of those bands will snap and chop my head off. You know who I hate? Richard Simmons, that little troll is just too hyper. Check these out:

    http://blog.wfmu.org/freeform/2006/06/two_extremely_w.html

  8. jarheaddoc said,

    I have always thought that those arms on the BoFlex would make a really need homemade crossbow and someone would finally use one of those machines

  9. K2 said,

    Anybody ever see Pablo Francisco on Comedy Central? He’s hysterical, and made fun of this Tai Bo shit. He said it’s like exercise for criminals. ‘Climb the fence, climb the fence. Stash the dope, stash the dope.’

    And MT, as an aside, have you ever seen ‘The Dog Whisperer’ on National Geographic Channel? A great show I think you’d absolutely love.

  10. Mainetarr said,

    Oh K2, I love the Dog Whisperer!!! Ceasar Milan is the bomb! I have tried the loud “Shhh!!” then pinching Bailey’s neck to grab his attention when he won’t listen. It works like a charm! That show is so helpful!!

  11. K2 said,

    I’m reading an article on him in The New Yorker. He actually was an illegal immigrant who crawled across the border 14 years ago, and has no formal dog training. As a boy on his grandad’s farm in Mexico, they called him el Perrero, ‘the dog boy.’ Anyhow, it’s a great read.

  12. Linda said,

    I thought the “men are pigs” guy almost looked a little bit like Cesar — but didn’t want to say so ’cause I know Cesar couldn’t possibly be a pig. I watch him on Animal Planet.

  13. Linda said,

    That made no sense at all. I meant, he couldn’t possibly be a pig because he seems so nice (got any bridges to sell?) and dogs like him.

  14. Mainetarr said,

    Save or send me that article K2, I’d love to read it. He is an interesting man. It’s uncanny how he can get even the most worst behaved dog to straighten out. Some of the things he talks about, the different techniques he uses, incredible.

  15. K2 said,

    Actually, his wife, Illusion (her real name), almost divorced Cesar years ago. She said he as an egocentric macho-head who showed no affection. One time, when she was in the hospital for three weeks, he only visited her once for a couple hours. Ultimately, she demanded counseling or a divorce, and he reluctantly went to counseling. There, he learned that woman — people — are like dogs: They must have discipline AND affection. He was only giving his affection to his dogs — all 47 of them (at the moment). Once he realized his misconception, he became a great man. They’re still married.

    A main point of the article is how dogs read humans, and how Cesar moves. He is totally graceful in his movements. Dogs pick up on all our movements, especially the eyes, face and hands; so it’s critical to give the perception of control and calm. And ,of course, you have to be the alpha dog.

    Me? I can’t stop licking myself.

  16. K2 said,

    MT, I’ll send you a copy. It’s an awesome read. The New Yorker is a liberal magazine, no question, but the writing in it is second to none. And the cartoons are great, of course. It’s my favorite magazine by a long shot.

  17. LaFlamme said,

    And speaking of dogs, Eddie of Frasier frame is dead. Long live Eddie. May he hump the great leg in the sky.

  18. LaFlamme said,

    It occurs to me that if my brother ever reads my blog, I’m toast. I’ve outed him on a lot of things over the past year. Bastard will go Tai Bo on my ass. And I’ll be laughing too damn hard to defend myself.

  19. Mainetarr said,

    Thanks K2, I appreciate it. I do enjoy some of the articles in the New Yorker, even if it is a liberal magazine. Liberal or not, some of the stuff is good.

  20. Mainetarr said,

    Where the hell you been LaFLamme? I posted the Eddie death in the Frasier blog a couple of days ago. You slooooowwwww.

  21. LaFlamme said,

    I’ve been in mourning. The black band, the veil, the doggie bisquets…

  22. K2 said,

    Yeah, that same issue has an article on the science of sweet. Interesting as hell. I’ll mail you the whole thing, and just give it back some day.

    Jack Russels are a hoot. Total crackheads with PhDs to boot. Moose had a pretty good life, I’d say. I wonder if he had any skeletons like most of the actors in Hollywood. You know, like he secretly blew a few male cats back in the ’90s. Hey, if Mike Brady was paying guys so he could blow THEM, anything’s possible in the world of celebrity animal hijinx.

  23. Mainetarr said,

    I heard he used to dress up in a Lassie costume and take people on wild goose chases looking for children in danger. Did you guys know Lassie was an alcoholic?

  24. AO said,

    Mark’s been out fanny-pack shopping.

  25. Breaking News For Martha said,

    OFFICIALS ORDER MANDATORY EVACUATIONS FROM FLOODS IN WILKES-BARRE, PA.

  26. LaFlamme said,

    I can’t believe no one but Nadine admitted to occasionally watching a workout show just for the impurience of it. K2, ah… never?

  27. Mainetarr said,

    My friend Heather and I used to lay on the couch eating Fruit Loops watching Denise Austin workout before school. No wonder I am a fat bastard. LOL

  28. AO said,

    Watching any type of exercise show always makes me feel guilty. So, I forego them.

  29. K2 said,

    I’m busy looking up impurience. Hang on. . . . Nope, my Webster’s Encyclopedic Unabridged Dictionary of the English Language is not helping me any, that worthless piece of shit book.

    Are you intimating that I might have phoned the czar during a Susan Sommers infomercial? Or made the bald man puke to Hanoi Jane’s Vietcong Workout?

    Mean what you say and say what you mean, goddammit.

  30. K2 said,

    Uh oh, flooding in Pennsylvania.

    In other news, two Pennsylvanians had sex.

    Tioga County, NY, next to where I grew up, Broome County, is flooded too. Every road is under water, I hear.

  31. jarheaddoc said,

    I like to think those neurotic work out bastards are only doing it so they can move my fat, incapacitated ass when I have my heart attack from too many sodas and Ho-Ho’s. that would be the chocolate things, not the usual favortie subject of this blog. Sorry, K2, I have my glasses on today and could see a snippy remark coming

  32. K2 said,

    Oh, MT, what did all 26 Lassies have in common?

  33. K2 said,

    jd, I don’t dislike you, man.

  34. Mainetarr said,

    What did they have in common K2? They are all dead?

  35. K2 said,

    They were all males. Trivia Pursuit, be-otch!

  36. Mainetarr said,

    No shit, I did not know that. me stoopid.

  37. K2 said,

    For the record, I went to Susquehanna Valley High School. From the AP:

    Up to 200,000 people in the Wilkes-Barre area were ordered to evacuate their homes Wednesday because of rising water on the Susquehanna River, swelled by a record-breaking deluge that has killed at least 11 people across the Northeast . . .

    Binghamton, N.Y., received a record-breaking one-day total of 4.05 inches of rain on Tuesday. Although the bulk of the rain moved out of the area Wednesday, forecasters said more showers and occasional thunderstorms were possible along the East Coast for the rest of the week, and rivers and streams continued to rise from the runoff.

  38. Mainetarr said,

    I once told my mother Lassie was an alcoholic. (She was the wicked French mom) Before I had a chance to tell her I was kidding, half of Poland thought Lassie WAS an alcoholic. My mother was especially convincing when she thought she knew what she was talking about. Like the time my father told her Burl Ives was a child molester. She told EVERYONE!! And the funny thing was, no one questioned her.

  39. Mainetarr said,

    Wow, K2. Maybe they should start building an ark.

  40. K2 said,

    Well, considering your sometimes intimidating presence (you’d pin LaFlamme in under 10 seconds. Me? I’d take you to round 3 before Mickey throws in my towel), and you’re only half of your mother, the woman was certainly a force to be reckoned with.

  41. K2 said,

    All my old friends in Conklin and Kirkwood are especially fucked. You can’t live in a river valley and be surprised when you’re sac-deep in brownwater.

  42. LaFlamme said,

    If Lassie had an exercise program, I might watch it at 4 in the morning. But only until Coach comes on at 4:30.

  43. AO said,

    Coach. I used to watch that show every week. Luther and Dauber were such bone heads.

  44. K2 said,

    Mark, I find it strange that we are similarly twisted, yet you’re a night owl and I’m a daytime believer. Your anthem should be the Stones’ ‘Rocks Off’: ‘The sunshine bores the daylights out of me.’

    Me? I have Zeitgieist for morning. But drunken nights ain’t bad, either. Take last night, for instance. . . . *burp*

  45. AO said,

    Did ya win any dance contests last night, K2?

  46. LaFlamme said,

    I’ve always been a vampire. No idea why. Probably some deep psychological pr..pr… problem.

  47. Mainetarr said,

    K2, I am so not intimidating. You have me confused with someone else, apparently.
    Who have you been talking to? πŸ™‚

  48. AO said,

    MT intimidating? No way!! Well, there was that time she had me in that headlock..and..the time she had my arm twisted behind my back..but, other than that, nah..she’s a pussycat!

  49. Linda said,

    And if she WERE intimidating — so what? what the hell is wrong with that? Anyone want to make something of it?

  50. AO said,

    LINDA!! I’m so glad to see you on dial-up night! How ya doing?

  51. Linda said,

    Oh … I’m dialing up …

  52. Linda said,

    One more happy birthday for Bobbie, sorry I missed the party this a.m. Being at work doesn’t really interfere with blogging but having to go to meetings does, plus the fact that I had that argy bargy with my webmaster and it seems like a good week to keep my head down.

  53. AO said,

    Oh, say it ain’t so! Another “argy bargy’? Bummer!

  54. Linda said,

    Partially involving wireless antennas that were installed pointing horizontally instead of pointing straight up. So the users were dropping sessions. Wouldn’t you think guys would get that right?

  55. AO said,

    No. Guys are the least likely to get anything right.

  56. LaFlamme said,

    *I* would have gotten that right. Pttth! Horizontally! Absurd!

  57. Linda said,

    We all thought so Mark. AO, even granting your general rule to be true … pointy straight things, all lying down, no sign of interest in communicating? No. It should have been obvious.

  58. AO said,

    Umm..Linda…what? Sorry, you’ve lost me.

    Yeah, right, Mark. phhtt!

  59. Linda said,

    Antennas. pointy, 8 or 10 inches long. Installed above the ceilings, all lying down instead of standing up like they were supposed to. Oh never mind. You had to see them, it was quite funny. But led to argy bargy.

  60. Linda said,

    Gotta run, maybe see you later.

  61. AO said,

    Have a good night. Sox’s are winning 4-0! Just in case anybody wanted to know. πŸ™‚

  62. Linda said,

    Mandy!! Somebody get Mandy!!! I just saw the funniest freaking thing. In the Rumford Falls Times, on the obituary page — an obituary for a family dog! No kidding!! I never saw that in the SJ. Is there a policy against it, or did nobody ever submit one? How many column inches do you think you could get out of pet obituaries? What’s the skinny on this, Mandy? I am dying to know.

  63. Linda said,

    There wasn’t even an obit for that poor dog that killed a calf, whose owner then shot him. Definitely TMI in that article — yuck.

  64. AO said,

    Oh. Send it to me! I’ve got to read it!

  65. LaFlamme said,

    I’ll try to fetch her Reaperness.

  66. AO said,

    Now, I’ve read obits where the deceased list there animals as survivors but, I’ve never seen one for an animal.

  67. Mandy, the obit writer said,

    I have. One time about three years ago a man brought in an obituary for his pet ferret, complete with family photos.

  68. AO said,

    Oops..meant to say “their”. Guess I just got caught up. So, Mandy, still have that “ferret O’bit”?

  69. Mandy, the obit writer said,

    Sadly, no, because we didn’t accept it for publication. However, a sympathetic editor decided to make the ferret and its owner the subject of a profile. I’ll search our paper’s archives tomorrow and get the story.

  70. Linda said,

    I don’t think they are on line so I can’t send it.

    “One minute you were here, the next you were gone … We will never forget all we’ve been through … my family wont be the same without you … there has to be a reason for why God did as he did …”

    Sorry if I seem to be making fun of it. I feel sorry for them, losing their dog. But what was the newspaper’s thinking on this, choosing to run it? with the obits?

  71. Mandy, the obit writer said,

    I would be interested in seeing the obit for the dog. Our newspaper has a policy against running animal obituaries (however pets can be listed among the survivors).One time I had a classic car listed as one of the deceased’s survivors. I regret not keeping that obituary.

  72. AO said,

    Eh, it was a member of their family. Why not? I feel for them, even though I’m not a pet owner. Allergies you know! πŸ™‚

    Mandy, IF you can find that article, I’d love to read it. Post it here or, get my email address from Mark. Just put your handle in the subject line. Thanks.

  73. AO said,

    Mandy, I think I remember that classic car obit! Ha. I know, I’m weird, I read your work everyday! And, I know it’s your’s when there are several obit’s! You do a great job.

  74. Mandy, the obit writer said,

    When I get in tomorrow I’ll find the article. As creative as families get with their obituaries, I can only imagine the possibilities if we ever considered publishing animal obituaries. We receive a lot of interesting metaphors for saying someone died so I envision we’d receive a lot of “Sparky went to the great dog park in the sky” sort of metaphors.

  75. Linda said,

    can you get the dog obit from the RFT, or do you want me to fax it to you tomorrow Mandy?

  76. Bobbie said,

    Thanks again for the birthday wish, Linda. Instead of kicking back and relaxing, it sounds like I had your type of day. Argy bargy, I lke that.

  77. Linda said,

    sorry to hear that Bobbie. No pampering? no queen for a day?

  78. Bobbie said,

    Then again, after being up for almost 40 hours, I’d find just about anything interesting! LOL

  79. "The Weasel" said,

  80. LaFlamme said,

    Blast! Another video I can’t watch from work. A reason to go home, though. I’ll bet it’s lovely.

  81. LaFlamme said,

    You guys are aware that Mandy writes obits in Virginia, are you not?

  82. Bobbie said,

    No queen for the day or anything else like that. Maybe next year.

  83. Mainetarr said,

    David Hasselhoff, what a douchebag.

  84. AO said,

    No. We thought she worked here in, LA. Well, at least I thought she did. DUH!

  85. Linda said,

    I thought LA too.

  86. Mainetarr said,

    I am watching South Park, which I hate, but they are talking about when “shit” was allowed on tv. So far, they have said the word shit 116 times. There is a counter at the bottom of the tv screen, man that show is stupid.

  87. Mainetarr said,

    Well, Boobie (sorry, I couldn’t resist) I hope the rest of your evening is good and you enjoy your special day. I toasted to you at the Ground Round tonight (albeit root beer) right after I won a Gritty’s Tee Shirt after answering a KISS trivia question.

  88. Bobbie said,

    Thanks, MT, I appreciate that.

    Linda, unfortunately, you weren’t the first one to congratulate me this morning. A friend of mine from Tennessee called my cell phone at 12:05 AM to serenade me with a song and a birthday wish. I’ll get to hear the message when the phone gets here in a week with the kids. My friend didn’t know that I’d mailed the cell phone to the kids so they could have a phone while they were traveling. I thanked my friend, via an answering machine, for her thoughtfulness. She should get a good laugh out of this.

  89. Martha said,

    Happy Birthday Bobbie.
    Whoever warned me about the evacuations.. thank you, but I am about 3 hours from S/WB. My neighborhood hasn’t floated away yet.. in fact my neighbor’s kid was out shrieking in the pool at 9:15 tonight.. I had only slept about a couple hours and that kid has a voice that is so shrill it would rattle the window pains. So, I spent most of my first hour here at work with my head in my hands snoozing… I know, my bad. Oh well, my work is done, so no problem. LOL.. no one here at this hour will tell on me, in fact, I’ll probably tell my supervisor in the morning.

  90. Bobbie said,

    Thanks for the birthday wish, Martha.

    Glad to hear that you’re not near the flooding.

  91. Linda said,

    Martha, I don’t think you ever mentioned before that your neighbour has a pool. That’s great — the goats can have a nice swim after their long hot ride, when we finally make that trip. MT, jd, that’s still on, right?

  92. Aileen said,

    That’s a crkcjeraack answer to an interesting question

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