While you were sleeping

March 31, 2006 at 3:05 am (Uncategorized)

 I knew a girl once who had a problem with this kind of thing. She was going out with a guy she thought a perfect gentlemen. Then she began to wake up in various states of carnal surprise and… well, so much for that romance. Last I heard, she woke up pregnant and now she doesn't sleep at all.

Me, I sleep moderately sound, particulary after a good night of drankin'. My buddies used to try dunking my hand in a bucket of warm water, but that never worked. So, unwilling to let a sleeping Mark lie, they'd fill my hands with shaving cream and then tickle my nose with a feather. Or they'd write lewd things on my forehead. One girl deftly applied lipstick and eyeliner to my face while I slept off the night's licentiousness. I woke up a pretty, pretty girl.

Why is it that we're so fascinated by those who sleep while we remain awake? Maybe it's that the sleeping have gone to a place that is unknown and unavailable to us. It is a place just short of death. Or maybe I'm overstating it, and we really just like to mess with sleeping friends or loved ones because it's fuggin funny. You just know cavemen messed with other cavemen who had fallen asleep after eating too many berries. And now, millions of years later, the Internet is replete with videos and photos of people who have been shamed by their friends while sleeping off debauchery. These slumbering sots are placed in embarassing postions, painted with nasty words and depictions of the male anatomy, hogtied, dressed in ridiculous clothing, or photographed while the funloving clowns expose their own body parts.

It's all fun and games until someone wakes up with a social disease. Me, I don't really care what you do to me while I sleep. So long as you don't wake me up.

FORT COLLINS, Colo. — A 28-year-old man faces a charge of sexual assault and one count of domestic violence harassment for allegedly having sex with his wife while she was sleeping.

 An arrest affidavit stated that the woman reported being awakened about 30 times over the last year to find her husband having sex or oral sex with her. She told Fort Collins police that she confronted her husband several times, telling him that she felt like she was being raped and wanted the behavior to stop.

The woman told investigators that her husband took advantage of the fact that she was "an extremely hard sleeper," according to the arrest affidavit.

According to the affidavit, the man admitted to having sex with her and taking nude photos while she was sleeping during a recorded phone call March 11.