Spongebob on crack

April 27, 2006 at 4:07 am (Uncategorized)

Christ, some criminal suspects are ugly. You can hear police putting out a bulletin on this guy: a man with a mullet and a sponge for a face. Subject described as porous and as skanky as God ever made a man. I mean, look at him! You'd be reluctant to clean up cat vomit or wipe down the underside of your toilet with that spongey bastard. And I wouldn't be so mean spirited about old Sponge Bob Mullethead, but this guy is wanted for attacking a teenage girl and raping her somewhere in Oregon. I mean, I know it's tough getting dates when you have holes clear through your face, but dude… get the Internet.

Okay, I'm done raving about this guy. Ten years ago, we had a woman running amok in the Lewiston area robbing stores and pharmacies. Hell, she even robbed a shoe store. I mean, who does that?

The interesting part though, was the composite sketches. Each one depicted a rather ogrish young lady with horrible acne. In police and media circles, she became known as the acne bandit. Not real creative, but hey. Neither was The Boston Strangler.

Eventually the woman was caught and, yup. Those witnesses were right. She had acne from the hairline down to her chinny, chin chin. I had rather hoped she was sticking up stores to pay for some radical new medication, something poetic like that. But no. She was looking for drug money.

When I finally snap and start pulling bank jobs, you people will never know it. The police bulletins will consistently describe an obese man with a tiny head. That's because I am able to ping pong between 170 and 300 pounds at will.